Description of a Mom's Job - A Reality Check!

I was doing some early Spring cleaning of my old email files from my earthlink account as I'm in the process of closing it down because, really, who actually PAYS for email addresses anymore?

"Stupid me..... that's who!"

As I was happily deleting crap I haven't even LOOKED at in years on that account, I found this "job description" my "Sista" in Arizona sent to me way... back... in....... 2007! It was pretty dusty, but I blew the cyber-dust off and decided it needed to be share.

Why?

Because I am one of those mom's going through my own reality check at this moment. You know the one where you sit back and cry for days about how you spent ALL this time since your kids were born, taking care of them, loving them, kissing their boo-boo's, buying just the right toys on birthdays and holidays, spend hours listening to the most ob-NOX-ious stories you have ever heard and smiling/laughing politely, but enthusiastically....

ONLY TO HAVE YOUR FREAKING KIDS

TELL YOU THEY HATE YOU,

YOU'RE RUINING THEIR LIVES

AND WILL NOT DO A DAMN THING YOU ASK THEM TO!

I'm glad I stored this email away because it came in very handy this morning as I was having one of my *pity me* crying fits for the 4th day in a row. I had forgotten that this is what to expect in the life of a mother.

That, and the fact that my husband had to remind me,

because that's why he HAS to do from time to time,

that the kids will never change,

but I can change

because I have the bloody common sense to at this age,

and they don't!

So for all you mothers/fathers who may be experiencing to some degree, the same as I am right now.... this is for you.

It is also for those mothers/fathers who are living in a temporary state of love, kisses, and coo's. Wise up! It's NOT gonna last long and this is to prepare you for what lies ahead!

By the way....

Thank you Deborah for sending this to me so many years ago.

Thank you for sharing your wise, wonderful, and humorist advice with me.

This really came in handy today!

Thank you to my husband for hearing me, advising me, but NOT lecturing me this morning. Words cannot tell you how much this was appreciated!

*A PARENT'S JOB DESCRIPTION*

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed for challenging and permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates MUST possess excellent communication, ongoing psychic abilities, and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.

Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses are not reinbursed. Extensive couriers duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITES:

The rest of your life! Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard or playroom are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as:

• small gadget repair
• mysteriously sluggish toilets
• stuck zippers

Must also have some medical expertise in case of minor cuts, scraps, or the removal of spitballs from a nasal cavity.

Must screen phone calls maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing for at least a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final and complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance, maid work, and janitorial throughout the entire facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:

None! YOUR job is to remain in the SAME position for years - without complaining. You are expected to constantly retrain and update your skills so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually physically and emotionally exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this - YOU pay THEM!

Offering them frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption and hope that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could do only more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Warm Toes - Cool Stuff! - Happy Wallet

Who is freaking cold so far? I don't know about you, but I have real issues with certain body parts when the temp dips below..... say..... 60 degrees. This is why I have Ugg boots - I even wear them in the summer, which has elicit some very odd looks from passerby's.

Sometimes, wearing my Ugg's are near to impossible since my now-teen twins think it's a good idea to sneak them from my closet and tote their warm toesies to school in. This leads me to stuffing a furnace in my shoes when that happens.

Not an easy task to do when trying to play work on the computer.

And do you know how hard it is too stuff a furnace in your shoes???

And what about those exhausting brisk walks every week to pick up the girls from school. It rivals those stories your grandma (or mom) have told you about growing up in the depression.

"I walked two long miles in the snow with shoes that had holes in the bottoms."

Well I walked two long miles today to pick up the girls and feet were freaking freezing when I got home cause the twins Had... MY.... UGGS!

New Uggs are NOT in the budget this year and as usual, I let my fingertips do the walking on the net and came upon JUST the coolest idea!

FOOT WARMERS!

No, they are not Snuggies for your feet. Who wears a bathrobe on your feet - GHAAA!?

Well, this actually turned into more than just foot warmers, but I'll get to that in a minute.

It's these pads that you put in any shoe for your toes and/or your feet - in my case, both - and they are like the most awesome warmers for toes AND feet! You can even wear these things to bed and instead of my "other half" constantly complaining:

"Your feet aahh SOO cold!

Why don't you wrap the cat around them already?

OR:

"If I wanted to sleep with ice in the bed, I would have slept with the refrigerator already!

What are you, an Eskimo Pie?"

The best part is that for only 75 Cents for the Foot Warm-Ups, I can afford to let the twins "borrow" the Uggs any time they want because my feet are gonna be warmer! I'm getting the hubs the Insole Foot Warmer since he does a lot of running and the weather gets kinda of chilly at 5 a.m., around here and it's a great way for his feet to stay warm outdoors.

Did I mention, these are great stocking stuffers because for $27.95, you can have enough for 40 people! People like that hunter in your family, or the farmer, or the jogger that likes running in 20 degree weather, or for those like me who just loath cold toes when catching the latest episode of Dexter.

Which is how this kinda turn into something more than finding foot warmers? Somehow this whole thing turned into an impromptu online Christmas shopping expedition for items I could keep in my small budget this year.

I am in the process of getting my family to the ski slopes this winter. I mean, moi' learned to ski at Snowmass in Aspen, Colorado, so I feel the kids and the hubs need to follow somewhat in my footsteps.

Of course, every ski trip starts with assembling ones fashion accessories because one must look good when one is crashing into trees, right? Plus my older brother has learned snowboarding very well I need something in this department as a gift - as well as warmers for his toes.

I found burton.com and this site has some of the coolest stuff for on and off the slopes that I've seen in a long time. Plus I loved the really cool pics that made me feel like a ski pro in the making just being on the site, LOL! It's just one of those sites that make you want to keep poking around some more to see what unfolds.

Be sure to click on the "The Stash". Have some fun with THAT!

There is all these super cool things to see and learn on burton.com. They have a "Learn To Ride" program that help you from start to finish (including fashion accessorizing), learn how to snowboard with without being picked up by the Fashion Police or carried out by the Crash Police. They have their own Burton Snowboarding Academy! Now that's cool... uh... no pun intended there.

They also have a $1000 Wish List Give Away happening right now! I'm there - it's happening!

There is a lot of great apparel and gear for every finicky person in my family (Nadia!), plus the prices were pretty darn impressive as well. The Looks Books helps you check out how and what the experts are wearing and using so you know what to pick for yourself or that constantly tumbler in your clan.

I found myself bowing before my monitor to Shaun White. Maybe with this stuff I'll be able to pull off a James Brown on a board!

Ok, I'm fantasizing again.

Nothing like a family of Blingers on the slopes though - Bawhahahaha!!

Did I mention that the Insole Foot Warmer goes great in those ski boots too?

So if you're still out doing some Christmas shopping (but of course you are), check out both footwarmers.org AND burton.com for some great stuff that will definitely keep you in budget this year withOUT resorting to breaking your credit card out of that ice bucket you have stashed in the freezer.

After checking both these sites out, I've done some cost effective Christmas shopping and started my preparations for finally getting that family-O-mine on the slopes.

Sometimes multitasking is SO worth the effort!

Hang Ten Dude! Oh crap - that was surfing.

Happy Halloween from a Very Weird Family

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

New "Pool" Rules

So since getting the pool cleaned, painted, filled, and shocked; I got back on my kids favorite list. That is until I made my "Pool Rules". You know, the ones that take all the fun out of playing in the pool for your kids because "Safety Mom" came out again.

Kids just don't get that this is a concrete pool, not that plastic blow up contraption that you bought on a whim while zipping through WallyWorld for a gallon of milk and a box of Swiss Rolls cause your kids were driving you crazy because we didn't have a pool like "other" people.

We were living at the freaking beach! WHY did we need a pool?

Yeah, it would have helped to have one during that whole oil spill saga.

Just one question: How many of you have filled that pool up and it always sits lop-sided even on flat land? You know that one where the sides come up as you fill it. Yeah, that one! You had to fill it in such a way that the water wouldn't run out one side starting a flood on *that side* of the yard that eventually turns into a giant mudhole because of it!.

The one where you had to scream at your kids, "NO, DON"T get in on THAT side!" Then they do, then the water starts pouring out, then you have to waste dump more water into than you thought, and this is where they start whining.... again:

"MOM! When dooooo we get an in-ground pool like the neighbors have?"

"Well kids, we had to move one state away, but now we have one and it has rules attached to it as well. Take it or leave it!."

"WHAT rules?", my inquisitive little bunnies ask with such regret oozing from their faces.

"THESE rules.", I say with a *you're not gonna like this* smile on my face.

"By the way kids, when you get in that pool, I cease to be your mother/friend/towel *boy*; I become your Lifeguard. This means when the whistle blows - YOU have messed with the *Pool Rules*, and may be subject to an automatic five minute timeout."

Talk about four truly pissed off faces.

With all that out in the open, these have become the rules:

Rule # 1:

No running, pushing, shoving, or even looking at one another while in or around the pool.

You are kids, you will take full advantage of making sure something like this gets completely out of control and one, or all of you, will end up in the ER. I still have ER bills that need paying on; can't afford more at the moment. When said ER bills are paid off, then I will allow you to look at one another again while in/around the pool. The other rules stick though; this is why your father is grounded from the pool for the next week because he consistently ignored the Lifeguard blowing her lungs out with the whistle.

Rule #2:

The pool is a pool and not an outdoor bathtub.

Just because you got in three times today does not mean it becomes a substitution to taking a shower/bath. You still have the same dirt in your hair that you had after you went swimming three times today. You're dirty, now go take a bath!

Rule #3:

The pool is not a bathtub.

In lieu of Rule #2, just because you think it's cool or your Barbies told you to do it, you canNOT take a bath IN the pool. There is delicate balance of chemicals meant to keep the pool clean till it burns your eyes out, so soap suds from your favorite bath gel of the month will disturb this delicate balance. I have no desire to drain the pool, clean off the soap suds, then spend a gazillion dollars refilling it again just because YOUR Barbies said they wanted to take a bath in MY pool.

Rule #4:

Use only certified Pool Toys in the pool:

There are pool toys and there are lawn toys. Do NOT get the two confused. It is NOT a good idea to redecorate by putting patio chairs in the pool because you want to have a tea party under water. You are NOT Mermaids; and no Julian, it is not a good idea to ride the bike underwater.

Rule #5:

Cleaning the Pool is an adults responsibility.

I do not; I repeat DO NOT want to see anyone trying to clean up the tree debris from the bottom of the pool with my vacuum cleaner or trying to *make* pool cookies from the chlorine tabs!

Rule #6:

Do NOT Pee in the Pool!

I will tell you the same lie the lifeguards told us at our community pool: "If you pee in the pool, I will be forced to add a chemical to the pool that turns red around you when it comes in contact with urine. Then everyone will know who pee'd in the pool. I pay good money for those toilets in the house, now use THEM"

*Note* - I caught Nia peeing behind the tree the other day because of this last rule. Of course, I laughed hysterically.

Rule #7:

We are NOT the community pool:

Even though the community pool has closed down for the reason, this does not mean all four of you can invite unlimited amount of friends over for a swim after school. I have neither that many pool chemicals or enough medication to handle that amount of crazy people children in the pool. Friends can come on the weekends with proof they can swim and perform CPR to me, if needed, when all of you break the rules.

Rule #8:

No food in the pool.

The bugs like it when you eat in the pool, but the filter does not. Plus, lasagna does not blend well with the ice blue color we painted in the pool. Yes, M&M's do bleed their colors in the pool, but the chocolate makes it look like doo-doo on the bottom. So do Baby Ruth's, except they float. We do not need to create mass hysteria by eating your snacks in the pool.

Rule #9:

Wear only bathing suits in the pool.

Just because you can swim is not justification for wearing school clothes in the pool because you're "too tired" to put on your swimsuit. That said, no skinny dipping in the pool either. I do not care if the pool is in our own private backyard; get your freaking swimsuit on cause I saw you naked enough when you were babies!

Rule #10:

No jumping from various obstacles around the house into the pool.

The top of the house, nor the brick wall are not regulation diving boards. Therefore, do not use them as a diving apparatus. As in Rule #1, allow me to finish paying off ER bills before we start new ones. Plus, this idiotic choice will ban you from the pool..... for life! Do NOT listen to your Uncle Michael if he says it's ok - it's not!

Now kids, make sure you slather on two bottles of sunscreen - don't forget your nose.... and ears.... yeah, your eyelids too. Make sure you wear your full body life vests over your full body UV A&B protected swimsuits. I don't care if you do know how to swim, I'm paranoid and that's the only way you'll get in the pool.

The pool has been safely padded with that government approved 12 inch thick pool rim padding; be careful not to touch it. I have also added 20 government approved pool *toys* so that you will have a life preserve within reach at any time. Don't complain, you have at least two feet of swimming space per person.

Please allow 10 minutes rest time between every five minutes you swim. You don't want to get cramps do you?

Most of all, enjoy your last few months of the swim season my dears. Just remember, we are NOT turning the pool into an ice skating rink because Barbie requested it.

I'm A Thrift Store and I'm Open For Business!

For the past few days, I've been a serious sea of boxes that literally reach higher than my head while trying to figure what needs to go where and which needs to go to the dump finally. I cannot believe the amount of completely useless junk stuff we carry around as a family.

Is there really a reason the hubs still needs to carry around that forearm exercise thingy that has been sitting in the garage for the past few years collecting dust and cockroach turds?

No, there isn't! He still keeps saying he "needs" and just won't let it go. Then when I press on about it, his comment is "I bought it for you so you could work your arms out."

The guilt trip gets sprinkled in and eventually I give in and pack it with the rest of 10 boxes of crap behind me that really needs to find a landfill as a new home.

Seriously folks! How many 12 inch TV's does one family reeeally need?

Well, apparently we need 2, plus two 32 inch, one 20-something inch, and one 42 inch boob-tube to keep us all occupied because apparently living in the real world is just too damn boring!

There is definitely a problem in this house!

What I need to do is hang a "Thrift Store" sign out on my brand new front lawn and let people pick and choose what they want in order to get this stuff out of here.

Doors open at 9 a.m.! Please bring big wallets and even bigger shopping bags!

You just can't touch the Collector Barbie's, but the the two HUGE bins of naked Barbie's in the first bedroom on the right, are all yours for the cheap. Please, take naked Ken too because frankly, he is just weirding me out with that whole "androgynous" thing going on. Mom's, you know what I'm talking about here. Plus, I never did go for guys with plastic hair either.

The next bedroom behind you is the BoyCave. Please be very careful when you go in as it may look neat, but we all know what can happen once that closet door comes open. I promise I'll spray a whole bottle of Febreze in there before you come in.

Now the other bedroom at the end of the house is prime for the taking. Take it all, I don't care! I'd rather those two girls start all over with a clean slate cause everything now has become an eclectic collection of colorful bubblegum bullshit.....

"Pardon my French! "

How they think that a room that looks like Jackson Pollack himself puked all his buckets of paint on, is a decorators dream, is beyond me. I was trying for a whole Morrocan theme in there, but instead they turned it into this India-meets African Safari-meets pre-teen chaos instead!

I want it all out so I can just start over and see what kind of innovative enclave gets created all over again by Nadia and Toni. Let's see: Asian-meets Russian orthodoxy-meets antique shop - meets pre-teen celebrity idol worship theme.

It all has to do with budding hormones you know.

I'm tired, and I'm tired of packing, unpacking, and reorganizing this cluster of Nomads . I just want the pool finished but ----- Oh! I didn't tell you about that???

We have this pool in the backyard that I discovered needs draining, cleaning, repainting, a surface crack repaired, seams caulked (cause it has these fiberglass panels on the side), and a new filter/pump motor to boot! Can't do anything until that pump motor comes in at the end of this week.

Not a tall order would you say?

Every single stinking day the kids come home from school and ask if the pool is ready. Every single stinking day I tell them - as they are STILL looking at the pool cover on - "No, it's almost done."

Looks like mid next week will be the day they will finally get to strip their oversized, overweight backpacks off, and jump right into that pool with their school clothes still on.

Just hope they've taken all the pens and Sharpies out of their little pockets first.

As I go back to sifting through that same sea of boxes I tried to make disappear today - unsuccessfully of course, feel free to let me know if there is anything in particular you're looking for. Odds are, SOMEbody in this house has hoarded it for some reason or another (not mentioning any names... man I married), like the ugly "tiger" picture that that same unmentioned person seems to think will go with anything in the house.

Oh, and would anyone care for a Justin Bieber poster as well?

Shades of Summer

Sorry for my rather long hiatus; I've been completely engrossed in my nearly full-time schedule at school for the summer, dealing with 4 kids who are less-than-thrilled at my absence around the house these days, and a hubs who has had to take over some of my less-than-thrilling domestic goddess duties as well.

I need more medication for this!

But I thought I would share a couple of moments of summer (before all the oil hits here and ruins the ambiance!), that are simple, but priceless.

These are a couple of shots that my instructor managed to give back to me after much wrangling in the floor for them because he just happen to be grading them at the moment I wanted to bring them home.

I got a "A"

I'm suppose to be working on a self-portrait project right now. I was greatly disappointed to find out that I could NOT point the camera in the mirror and "shoot".

Damn! I ruined 3 rolls of film doing that!

Maybe I should just hand the camera over to the four year old and let her have her try at it.

My lips should look interesting at close up range!

It's Back To School Time For Mama!

So I've been busy getting ready for school. Financial Aid finally showed up out of nowhere, classes are paid, and I'm going tomorrow to pick up the books and supplies for my classes that cost a little less than a car loan for that Ford Flex I've been pining away for.

Can someone explain to me why a book that consists of a little over 100 pages, costs me over $100 to buy?

OooooOOOOOoooh! Because it was updated! That explains the inflationary value of the thing..... NOT!

I came to my senses and decided not to finish off and do Dental Hygienist because I had temporarily forgotten my needle phobia and thought it would be okay to stab someone with a 6 inch needle of Novocaine. I also forgot that I would be the one actually passed out on the floor afterwards instead of the patient.

I don't think that job would last too long after that.

So I went back to my roots: Digital Mulitimedia and IT Networking. It seems only natural since I am on the computer so stinking much anyway that the kids wouldn't really notice if I was working or not.

What they are having a "problem" with is that this time I won't be doing online classes; I actually have to leave the house to attend the college. So far this isn't going over too well. They think that they are going to be left eating only bread and water for dinner since that seems to be the only thing the hubs can make without burning, or having to O.D., on rotisserie chicken from Publix.

Moaning and groaning is not in short supply around here I tell you!

So I'm pretty sure that I am going to get plenty of "emergency" phone calls like this while in class:


"Hello. What's up Nadia?"

"No... Daddy's making what? Pasta with garlic and olive oil?."

"He burnt the garlic? It's black?"

"And you wanna know how to get all the smoke out of the kitchen?"

"Why can't you see? Because of all the smoke? You can't see anybody? You can't even see the kitchen cabinets!?"

"Can you see Julian anywhere? No?"

"Yell to him to get the big fan out of the garage."


Pause while I hear Nadia yell at Julian and of course everyone else in my classroom can hear her as well cause she kinda has a loud voice in the yelling department.


"He fell? Cause he couldn't see because of all the smoke? Is he okay?"

"Good. Now tell him to open the kitchen window and point the fan so it's blowing air out the window; not in the kitchen. This will suck the smoke out."


And yes... I have to explain some things in detail because lack of common sense runs rampid in my family during moments like these!


"Hold on Nadia, I have to work this algebra problem."

"b negative square times b over a equals a over b 3."

"No Nadia, I didn't say anything about getting bee's; I'm doing a math problem with b's in it."

"MATH problems Nadia - NOT grades!"

"What should you do about what?"

"What to do about the fire? WHAT fire!?"

"The fire on the stove that daddy started!"

"Where's daddy?"

"Running around and yelling about the fire?!"

"Nadia! Get the salt and pour the whole container on the fire! NOW!"

"I don't care if it's expensive sea salt - THROW IT ON THE FIRE NOW!!!"


Everyone in the classroom will now stopped listening to the teacher and all eyes will be on me and my frantic phone conversation in the corner of the classroom.


"Daddy wants to do what? Tell him NOT to pour water on burning olive oil! He'll blow up the kitchen!"

"YES, I DO know what I'm talking about since my brother's did the same thing when I was little; so I DO have some knowledge in this area of whether or not I will still have a kitchen when I GET HOME!!!"

"Okay, the fire is going down. NO - do not fan it with a dish towel; just throw ALL the salt on it!"


I should now be getting suggestions from other classmates and the teacher as now not to have my house burnt down at this moment. One will probably be attempting to call 911 to send the fire department to my house at this time.


"Daddy wants you to clean up the kitchen now? Make daddy clean it up - it's his mess."

"He says he's too tired. He's heading for the Xbox!"


The class should be laughing at me now.


"Tell Julian to hide the components to the remotes now! Do it quick!!!"


Suddenly I hear arguing between the hubs, Nadia, and Julian and realize it's my signal to leave class early, go home and put the referee shirt on and deal with this.

The class is on the floor in hysterics cause somehow I would have managed to hit speaker phone on my cell phone and it will be broadcasting the chaos throughout the classroom.


"Nadia. Nadia! I'm coming home now. Just keep daddy away from the Xbox AND the stove. I'll just bring pizza home."


Nadia will mumble a quiet "Thank God!", as she hangs up the phone. I will be gathering my books and assignments apologetically, while leaving my math class in humiliation as the laughter continues behind the closing door.

I'm just hoping to scratch out a "C" in this class because I don't think my family dynamics will allow me on the Dean's List this year.

Driving home from school while contemplating what I'll find at home has me completely understanding why I took online classes in the first place!


Pray for me this summer semester..... pray very hard!

Ford Flex Friday - The Flex IS Your Family Dream Car!

Disclaimer: Let's make this simple; I'm NOT getting kick-backs or being paid for this Ford Flex Series.

I am SO hating our cars these days! You've heard about my Odyssey from hell, but you haven't heard about the hubs 1990-something BMW 325i pain-in-the-neck back-up transportation. It needs new spark plugs wires, and he's "trying" to find a mechanic who will work on it without charging him a grand just to put them in. This means they'll be in sometime next year. He has my so-called "reliable" transportation out of state today - I'm stuck with HIS piece of crap!

The car has "issues" after it rains; it doesn't start. I had my uh-oh moment when I saw the car in the driveway upon my arrival home from Ala-BAM-a, and knew I might be in trouble when the car start jerking while taking Nia to Pre-K. The spark plug wire(s) have a crack in them and when it rains, they collect moisture and the stinking car won't start!

I left the car running while I took her in cause I live in one of those rare safe places where one can do so without the car being stolen and already 100 miles down the road. Secure that I don't have to worry about it dying upon starting, I and put it in first gear - and it dies. Tried several, and I mean several, attempts to get it started again, but fell victim to yet another jump from a stranger who was Paying It Forward from having her own jump on her SUV the other day.

We're doing this all while it's pouring rain outside as well!

After several (more than last time), tries, it finally starts and would you believe, it ran like a smooth dream all the way home. Thank God none of the kids are in the car because mommy had a BIG potty mouth all the way home! And only he knows what will happen with the "Beemer" when I go to crank it up to pick Nia back up.

I may be riding my bike in the rain this afteroon.

I NEED THAT FORD FLEX NOW!!!

When I went to Ala-BAM-a last week, I got the kids seriously engaged in a new form for Farmville (you know, that game I'm completely addicted to on Facebook?). The kids had to find items from the game that looked like them and we applied points and thus had the kids completely focused on something other than my entertaining them throughout the entire trip.

This left me my own time to count just how many Ford Flex's are on the road these days. The trip up there is roughly a little over 2 hours, and during that entire trip up and back - which is a total of a little over 4 hours, there was NOT one, art deco inspired, Ford Flex to be seen!

I was completely shocked!

Well, who, exactly was Ford marketing this car to? It sure has heck wasn't mom's and dad's looking push over a cliff rid themselves of their cumbersome, boring minivans, I'll tell you that!

I live in the Southeastern part of the U.S., and not to mince words about it, people breed down here like crazy so there ARE a lot of families that need to be toting kids back and forth from ball games and cheerleading practice in this car!

In fact, Ford specifically didn't want to market the Ford Flex to families which is completely perplexing to me as it replaced both retired minivans they use to produce, and it is a crossover vehicle which means it acts like a minivan but has been redesigned to fit more into the SUV market without the horrendous gas guzzling affects, ugly bullet design, and erratic - sometimes possessed - automatic sliding doors.

Again, who is this vehicle marketed to?

The upwardly mobile ubanites,

male, thirty-something,

who wanna look cool.

HEL-LOOOOOO!

The last time I looked, young urbanites, male AND female, are going for the "green" cars like the "maybe-I'll-stop and maybe-I-won't" Toyota's'. You know, the gas-efficient commuter cars. In these economic times, unless you make a "guaranteed" $100K plus, your going for a smaller, more economical vehicle to spend your two hour commuting time in.

If you're a family like mine, stuffing your four kids, their "belongings", mom, dad, and the upcoming/existing dog into a 40 m.p.g., vehicle is a little like watching those old home movies of how many people they could stuff into a Volkswagen before it exploded into oblivion!

It ain't happening!

I know because I tried to stuff said family in the hubs BMW that holds only 4 very, very skinny people, and I found kids heads coming out between my legs and having flashbacks of giving birth again because there is NO room to stuff my family in anything that remotely looks like a "green" commuter car.

IT AIN'T HAPPENING IT TELL YOU!

So I think that Fords new Marketing Chief, Mr. Jim Farley, needs go back to his marketing "Smart Board", and rethink this whole family thing again cause I sincerely think that is the reason why I didn't see one stinking Ford Flex during my trip to, and back form Ala-BAM-a.

ARE YOU LISTENING MR. FARLEY?

I looked and found only one video/commercial advertising the Flex as a family car. It's a bit cheesy, but at least there's one out there:

Most of the commercials I found were focused on the car itself which run abundantly in several different countries; or of some idiot 30-something guy who is suddenly blinded by the headlights of one coming at him in the night. He has a "ah-HA" moment thinking he should get one and I'm thinking in the back of my head, "Where's his stinking family to put in it?".

Here is just a little list of the reasons the Ford Flex would be ideal for families even if the starting price is a little higher than a minivan at $28,995.

I'm not going to bore you with the specs that you can find on just about any car mag site, or from Ford itself; just the common sense info that we moms/dads need to get from Point A to Point B!:

• 10, count em, 10 cup and bottle holders! When you have kids back from soccer practice, you better have all 10 filled with something for them to drink, and they will drink from all 10 of those suckers. Plus some serious storage in every row.
• Stadium-style sitting for the 2nd and 3rd row seats. This is really important for moms when they have those eyes glued to the rearview mirror on what's happening in that 3rd row seat!
• Seats that will adjust to just about every direction when you need them. That comes in handy when I time-out in the "corner" is needed on your way to the Grand Canyon this summer.
• Some serious spacious headroom for whipping your neck around and threatening to "Stop the car", if one, or all don't stop the pillow fight. Which, by the way, has plenty of room for as well. So bring your big fluffy ones on your next trip in this thing.
• A "compressor-driven" refridgerator/freezer in the rear console. How freaking cool is that!!!? If your kids are like mine, they are asking for something to eat/drink every 10 minutes, which is almost as annoying as "Are we there yet?". With this "built-in" fridge, you can buy them their own mini-supply of groceries and Mickey D's loses out for the next 500 miles!
• A GPS because we all know that dad's never ask for directions and mom's are tired of navigating them out of some barbaric wasteland!
• The gas and brake pedals have a feature that allows them to raise and lower. This comes in real handy when teaching your teen to drive and they still aren't tall enough to reach the pedals. Thus ending your having to leave the dusty pillow in the back seat for them to use behind their backs when learning to drive in order for them to reach the pedals and not send the two of you into the neighbors garage one day. "Rearview mirror-check, Side mirrors-check, raise brake peddle 6 inches-check!"
• BTW, it also has saved seat settings so when that teen does drive, you can put your car back into that position that doesn't leave you smearing your face on the inside windshield in order to climb into the drivers seat. Oh, and after you stop the car, your seat moves back for optimum room getting out of the Flex. Kinda like having a butler available every time you get out of your car!
• The second and third rows are also incredibly easy to adjust as well, and get this; come with instructions on the back of the seat so your kids won't be constantly asking you "How do you adjust the seat mom?", while you're cruising at 70 on the highway and they think you are magically suppose to come back and show them!
• 7 Standard seating capacity with 155.8 cubic feet of passenger volume. Oh, too technical here? It means that my oldest daughter can quietly sit in her seat without feeling that her younger sisters' smelly feet are constantly in her face, and my head doesn't hit the roof when I go over an especially large speed bump.
• Not only are you and your kids safe in this car, Ford Flex is one of the top 10 pet-safe vehicles for 2010. "Buckle up Fido - we're goin for a ride!"
• There is also an optional rear view camera in case you have a habit of running over your kids tricycle (the hubs), or you happen to live next door to a particularly hyper kid that constantly shows up out of nowhere!
• Intelligent All-Wheel Drive, which means that the car doesn't just react to slippery roads, but anticipates it. Now if I could only get my kids to do the same thing when it's time to do dishes - life would be perfect!
• The fact that the Flex earned the 2009 Top Safety Pick by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS). You know; the same people who did all those crash tests on Dateline NBC that freaked all of us out because we found out that our cars got horrible ratings?
• I love this one because I just found out that the hubs forgot again to put air in the tires of the Odyssey and I tested them and found they were down to 25 PSI when they should have had 35 PSI. The 2010 Flex comes with a standard Tire Pressure Monitoring System that will basically let you know by a light on your dash that you need air in your tires. No more begging the better half to do it!
• Did you know that the Flex also has that new Active Park Assist System which gives you visual AND audible warnings when getting to close to another car when parking. It's a lot faster and more accurate hjhi
• than the system that Lexus introduced a few years. Teaching teens to drive has just gotten a whole lot saner in my book! We all hate parallel parking, and this has made it less likely to have a heart attack while doing so. With the price of car insurance these days, we need ALL the help we can get!
• Now, instead of that ladder you use to hike in and out with your kids in that behemoth SUV; that even Grandma has given up going on trips with you cause she can't manage the climb anymore - Flex has a low body profile that ends all that - no more step bars, or ladders! Easy in, easy out, with no long hard falls to concrete driveway below.... waaaay below.
• For your kids entertainment value, here's what it has in order to keep you sane on long trips:
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• Sync In-car Connectivity System by Microsoft with a Sony Audio System - I'm a serious Mac person myself, and this let's you use virtually any mobile phone and/or iPod/MP3 player in the car and use them with voice commands or the steering wheels redundant radio controls. "Look Ma! No HANDS!"
• Voice activated DVD navigation system, which means the navigator with the map sitting in the front seat can NOW take a nap during a long trip without fear of finding their family in the middle of Istanbul if they do.
• Ceiling Mounted CD/DVD Player. I think this one needs no explanation what-so-ever in the kid department. All it is missing is a $100 gift card to your local video rental store.
• Programmable Ambient Interior Lighting. This now means that the lights in the interior are totally under the parents control - NOT the kids! This means I can tell my kids when driving at night that the computer turned the lights off and not me and there is nothing THEY can do about it!
• That incredible Multi-Panel Vista Roof! Brings the moon roof days of the old station wagon back to me when we use to stare quietly at the stars in clear view through the top of the car till we all fell asleep. Dad loved that car!
• No more losing your gas cap after fill-up's because baby number 1,2,3, or 4 (or in the case of the Dugar's, #19!), is screaming to the top of his/her lungs for that binky! With the Flex's Easy Fuel Capless Fuel Filler, you can just fill and go and forget about remember how many times your suppose to actually screw the cap on so the engine light doesn't go off. And no more leaving it on top of your car only to see it flying off in your rearview mirror soon after "Jr" is quietly sucking on their binky.

Now let me tell you what I really think is cool in this car that every family will value, especially if they have tweens/teens getting ready to drive, or already doing so. If this feature does not lower your car insurance while having kids under your policy, then you have the wrong insurance company!

I am so excited about this feature that I am actually thinking of changing the birthdate's of the twins in order to get their drivers license four year earlier than scheduled! It's that hot!

My Key is a feature that has come out that encourages safe teen driving. It allows mom, dad, or both to program the key through the Flex's message center to do the following:

• A Persistent Belt-Minder that will drive your teen freaking NUTS until he puts that seatbelt on!
• Limits, and I mean LIMITS your teen to a top speed of 80 m.p.h.! NO Fast and Furious down Main Street in THIS car!
• The Traction Control System that limits tire spin cannot be deactivated.
• An Audio System MUTE that turns ALL music off until the seatbelt is safely buckled in. The volume is then limited to 44% of maximum volume. This means you will not hear your child coming home four blocks before they get there!
• This one should really bug the crap out of your kids, but makes me laugh hysterially. The car gives a Speed Alert Chime at 45, and.... 55, and/or..... 65 m.p.h.

And there is NOTHING your budding little drivers can do about any of this,

short of ripping the main computer out of the car!

So why IS Ford failing to market to families? I think that they wanted to separated themselves so far away from the "Minivan Era", that they went too far away. If you are a family that has bought vans from them previously, what else are you to turn to when the Ford Minivan is no longer available? A van that comes with the possibility that it won't even stop some time in the future? Maybe a van like mine, that was touted as "reliable" and turned into the biggest shop-queen I have ever owned in my life!

Ford has a LOT to brag about these days to hard working families; so why don't they? They did kiss off the whole auto bail-out thing and decided to fix their own problems instead of passing the bad decision making onto us taxpayers. I'm pretty impressed by that! Maybe they should start some "How To" classes for GM and Chrysler.

Did you know that Ford cut their own household budget much like we average people do? They figured that turning off their computers at night - just like we do here at home - would save them $1.2 million a year plus drastically reduce carbon emissions by doing so. They even named their program PC Power Management.

I understand the downturn in the economy that started in 2007 had a major impact on the sales of the new Ford Flex. Mr. Farley stated that Ford would sell 100,000 Flex's by the end of 2008. Sadly, they sold only around 24,000 by the end of that same year. Though the economy was in the dumps, I think how and to whom they marketed it to had a huge factor to do with it's lack of sales.

"Downsizing the importance of families with regard to the Ford Flex was a BIG mistake Mr. Farley!"

Since Ford has eliminated the minivan (Thank God somebody got current!), then they should marketing the crap out of the Ford Flex to the people who have a minivan. The last thing you want a family to do is head for a minivan with another car company! Keep the minivan clientele by informing them that they are moving into the 21st Century now when they trade UP to the Ford Flex. They lose nothing by giving up the minivan and gain everything when getting a Flex; including individual STYLE AND CHARACTER!

You know I could do a commercial with this!

So Mr. Farley, I'm asking you as a mother of four who is about to get a dog (most likely a BIG one), to please rethink and retool your ideas of laying off marketing to families who quite possibly, will be willing to drive their own archaic minivans off a cliff for a Ford Flex. If you just keep showing them reasons why.

I get what the Flex is all about for families, I hope you do too Mr. Farley.