Monday, February 01, 2010

WARNING: Bored Domesticated Female on the Loose!

Haven't been inspired to write this past week because frankly, I got a really, really bad case of Boreditis. Let me tell you something, there is NOTHING worse than a bored housewife, mom, 40-something woman who is on the verge of being pre-menopausal! You know when we moms get really bored, we do serious shopping. That can be a dangerous thing to the bank account. But since it's the first of the month and already, I am completely broke - that just isn't an option at the moment.

I know what some of you are thinking: "You have 4 kids and you are bored! WHAT is wrong with you!! Don't you find fulfilling their every whim and desire on a 24/7 basis simply the most wonderful thing that life has to offer?"

Well... uh... yes I have four children and.... uh.... no to the crazy person who suggested that last question.

All this started the other day when the kids were at school and I should have been doing my usual list of slavework "chores" before they got home. Instead, I've been "stuck" on rebellion mode and frankly, have no stinking interest whatsoever in doing this same hum drum BS another day.

Here is the whole exciting list that usually occupies my every waking moment of every waking day:

  1. Wake up
  2. Wake kids up
  3. Make coffee
  4. Turn computer on
  5. Wake kids up again
  6. Pull out all the breakfast stuff that they usually turn their noses up to, and prepare for another food battle
  7. Wake kids up again
  8. Have first cup of coffee while checking emails
  9. Stomp in bedrooms and make one frantic attempt to wake the kids up before they miss the bus in 20 minutes
  10. Have another cup of coffee
  11. Feed kids - make small talk - get them on the bus successfully without having to chase the bus driver down in my tacky Old Navy polar fleece jammies, to come back and get them. Do ALL of this in three minutes flat!
  12. More coffee
  13. Get other two kids up and ready for school
  14. Feed cats - pet cats
  15. Get other two kids off to school
  16. Check various *stuff* on computer; i.e., blog, Facebook, Twitter, any money left in bank account (of course not). Take this time as well to chat, play a little Farmville, etc., before the domesticated duties begins.
  17. Insert IV from coffee pot directly into my arm
  18. Gather laundry - do laundry
  19. Sweep floors - Mop floors
  20. Clean dishwasher - Fill dishwasher
  21. Find something/anything to dust - clean windows if necessary, which means 5-6 times a day
  22. Find carpet somewhere that needs to be vacuumed
  23. Make a list of errands to do - do list of errands made yesterday (hopefully I'll get a Starbucks treat out of it)
  24. Make a to-do list of what I did today, to do tomorrow

ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! See, I even put YOU to sleep with this list! WAKE UP! I'm not done talking to you about this yet!

You get the picture here? How freaking boring is this lifestyle?

As the kids get picked up and come home from school, my life will be filled once again with various chores of figuring who wants what for a snack and how many times I have to tell them to get started on their homework.

Then there's dinner, a little more computer time or complaining about one another family time, read a few books, maybe some TV (24 is a MUST on Mondays!), then bedtime. About the most excitement I get out of the day is having to spend over an hour convincing/begging/pleading/bribing Nia to go bed. For some reason, she seems to think that she is the only one in the Universe that does not need sleep of any kind (she was born a Pod person from another planet, I'm sure, and that's why I sat on an ice pack for two weeks after she was born!). I/the entire family is usually left chasing this child all over the house until at some point, we find her in some obscure spot in the house where she has finally passed out from exhaustion. At least she's asleep!

How bloody monotonous can one woman's life be?!


This should all be okay and irritating quite fulfilling, but after doing over and over, with a some daily adjustments here and there, it becomes just downright irksome!

I don't need a makeover, makeover; I need a lifestyle makeover. Life is about to change drastically for me anyway since I'm about to be separated...... Oops! I let the bag out on that one didn't I? We will talk about this later so don't be bombarding me with like, fifty million phone calls and emails on the subject. Yeah, yeah, it's official cause we just spent this morning separating the cell phone account - that makes it a sealed deal! It's like, no big deal or anything; I'm just becoming another marriage statistic and life goes on with me soon to be a single parent of four incredibly maniacal charming children.

Except my life has landed smack dab in the middle of downtown Dullsville! I will be starting back to school in May, but am at a complete loss at how to deal with this rut I'm in, in the meantime.

So what's a 40-something mom to do for excitement? Please don't mention nightclubs as those are so 20-something and completely overrated. So I looked around and found some exciting things in my community that I thought I could get involved in for women my age and maybe I could get a general concensus from my fellow readers on what I should get my feet wet with. Here's a list:

  • Needlepoint lessons (preparing for those days when I become a grandma)
  • Jazzercise (do people still wear those thong thingies over their workout tights?)
  • "Stitching and Bitching" (crochet with a bunch of other disgruntled soon-to-be ex-wives)
  • Palates for the flexible-challenged
  • Yoga for the focused-challenged and pretzel-position-challenged
  • Go biking and inhale exhaust fumes for 2 hours *cough* *cough* *gag* *gag*
  • Mall walking with the possibility of getting shot at like what happened soon after moving to this area (it would be exciting!)
  • Tennis for those who live with a metal plate in their neck and a half busted ankle from walking through a park
  • Ceramics (would be great for those frustrating days where I can actually throw a plate that looks like the ex, at a wall)
  • Festive Shoelace Design classes
  • Fake Flower Making classes
  • Look for a job and subject myself to extreme humiliation as potential employers, one by one, look at my resume and say "You've only been raising children for 12 years and you want to apply for WHAT position.... Bawhahahahahahaha!!!". Thus leaving them with a laughter induced heart attack that sends them flying off the back of their executive leather chairs - Dead. On. The. Floor! Now that their position is open... I think I could do that job.
  • Join a self-help group for bored domesticated moms/house(ex)wives
  • Surfing for Adults (don't forget the case of BenGay and line up a future chiropractor)
  • "Get Happy By Making Your Family Happy", self-help classes at the local Y

Again, this has been another week saved by Jack Bauer and the cast of 24.

I know I'll snap out of this soon as the next few weeks will be full of separating his and hers, what-nots, and whatever's in preparation for my new life as a single mom. I knew this was gonna be an exciting year for changes.


What I really need though, is a whole mess of girlfriends who are willing to take me out and have a chocolate and coffee orgy, and make me forget about boredom and the long hard road ahead. Since my best girlfriend is waaaay out in Arizona, I might have to hire a few to take her place.

I think maybe I'm not so much bored as I am lonely and friend-challenged.

Like I said, I'll snap out of this and we'll all have a good laugh about it next week as I regain my sense of insanity for life.

But feel free to donate to my chocolate fund. In the meantime, I'm gonna go snort cocoa powder while I'm waiting.

*ching* *ching* ------ *ching* *ching*


Jen said...

If your divorce is anything like mine you won't be bored for the next two years, broke but not bored. Start buying box wine now. I like Stitching and Bitching do you have to crochet?

Gondooo said...

Darlin, I have to agree with matter how 'friendly' a divorce it has been noted will be, I can assure you at some point it will get ugly girl. (Although for the kids sake, and yours, I hope it doesn't). Yeah, the Stiching and Bitching sounds're gonna want someone to bitch and gripe to. Alternatively, you could turn all this resentment and anger into positive energy and perhaps dive into writing that book! ;D
Hmmm...chocolate, coffee and orgy in the same sentence.

Let me know when ya feel like talking and I'll give you a call on your landline.
Muuuuah ((Big Hugs)) Hang in there girlie.


Jen - I do think I've found a spot in my garage that can house a small wine cellar, LOL!

Cassie said...

I've definitely had those "bored domesticated female" moments. I don't envy your having to find a job especially in this economy. Be real creative when writing down about the 12 years of slavery on your resume.

Mommy Kennedy said...

Hystierical! Popping by from Entrecard!

Tara R. said...

I am a phone call away. Too bad there aren't anymore photog classes nearby. We still need to get together very soon.

Anonymous said...

Need To Cuss A Guy I'm Always Around,And Won't Take Offense.Hang In There And Remember How Much You Are Loved!

Gordon said...

Love It As Usuall! Keep It Up!

Rhonda (a.k.a. The Restless Squaw) said...

Ha ha! I'm with you on the four-kid and coffee-by-IV deal. Totally get that.

Draft Queen said...

Sorry to hear you're getting divorced, that sucks. I took on so much when I separated from That Guy I Married I didn't sleep for, well, years I guess. Find something you love and run with it.

Lea said...

I so get the girlfriend, want do I do now coach thing! It's funny how you don't think about it until um, now. Where did they all go? And what do we do?

Hang in! I'm here with you.

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