It Was Wonderful Christmas -- Now Let's Get Over It!

Christmas has come and gone once again; and once again, I am so over it. All that anticipation for one stinking hour of flying wrapping paper, cats successfully tearing all the ornaments and garland off the tree, and kids squabbling over who got the best item out of Santa's stinking red hobo bag.

Yes, Toni and Nia are having a grand time with the dollhouse/townhouse and the Rockstar Makeover Vanity that has left my carpet with pink stains of fake hair color all over it. Nadia and Julian have been having a blast with their Guitar Hero and Beatles Rock Star games; though I could use less Metallica and more John Lennon at this point in time.

I think I made the mistake of buying Julian months of service on Xbox Live, cause he's been missing in action for two days now.

But looking back on it all; can you believe the lines we stood in, the parking spots we wrecked our cars over, and the hair pulling that went into that one freaking hour of holiday hoo-hoo and Merry Christmas-Ca-Ca!? Give me more of Aunt Willamena's Egg Nog, but minus the egg and add extra nog!

Okay, I'm having a Scrooge moment, but at least it is AFTER the holidays are over.

I still waiting to dismantle Christmas decorations from the house and pick up what decorations are still in one piece on the front lawn after all the gale-force wind we've have had lately has blown them into 4 different corners of the earth!

"Will someone please let that family in India know that that IS our light-up reindeer on their roof"?

This will all happen after me, and a few others in my family, rid ourselves of a nasty respiratory infection that blew in with the last big storm we had that was a tropical storm *wanna-be*. Thank God the holidays are over!

Uh, but wait, we still have New Year's yet to go. Great! The Universe had to remind me.

So now I guess I gotta get down to business and make that list of resolutions that get shelved in one of my office drawers and I find it, like, two years later. Then I'm all guilt-ridden cause I got to maybe, maybe, one item on that list.

Another parental, responsible adult, human being failure moment.

Add that to my other list.

So, to encourage myself to actually complete one of the 40-something New Year's resolution lists I've made in my lifetime, I'm gonna share with all of you so that all of you can nag remind to keep focused and get off my lazy butt stay on track of my goals for the year.

1. Finish book I''m writing.

2. Bring Nadia and Toni to a more harmonious point in their relationship.

They've declared war on each other and it's my job to draft up a conflictual peaceful resolution that they both can challenge agree on. Add "mediator" to my list of motherly job descriptions.

3. Fix the budget and actually stick to it for more than one three months.

4. Getting Nia through one whole week without the assistance of Pull-up's.... again.

Do less laundry goes on this line as well.

5. Spend less time on the computer. Bawhahahahaha!!

6. Start a business online that actually makes money and uses less time than I'm currently spending on the computer.

(Refer to above resolution)

7. Finally figure out how to use Dreamweaver without throwing something at my iMac during the process.

8. Eat more chocolate because I didn't meet my quota for this past year.

Drink more coffee because I did make my goal for last year; therefore, there needs to be an increased adjustment for this year.

9. Get close to finishing my book. (Notice I'm already back sliding on this one)

10. Read more books, and Facebook and Tweet less. Again: Bawhahahaha!!

11. Get back into school and finish off the last of my credits.

I decided on Dental Hygienist, which I'm sure will confused my SIL, Deborah, so much that she will be beating her head against a wall, while sucking down a Champagne Cocktail, trying to figure me out..... again!

12. Sell some un-needed unwanted furniture so my house will look less like a consignment furniture store and more of a home.

We do not need four, count them - 4, shoji screens in one room!

13. Finish my freaking kitchen. YES! I'm still working on that. Don't ask - blame it on a migraine.

14. Make more time for my neighbor for coffee and chocolate. Find time to visit Tara in Destin more often. Make connections instead of acting like a hermit in a crayon colored, toy-filled shell.

Actually live up to my Myer's Briggs test results for once for once in 15 a few years!

15. Make that revolving schedule of when each pod person I gave birth to can use the computer they got for Christmas. So far it is resulting in everyone wanting to be on at the same time. Not only are they forming a line at my iMac, they've started a new one at their computer as well.

I should add "Chaos Control" on this list as well.

16. Remember that if I'm not there for myself, I can't be there for anybody else. Bottom line!

Notice that I have listed nothing that resembles losing weight, exercising more, eating healthier, or seeking the aid of a therapist (which, maybe, I should have put the therapist one in there). I frankly believe that if I have not gotten the concept of those first three, there is no use in adding them at this point in my life.

Insane - yes! Lack of common sense - no!

This list is just in it's beginning stages, so I am sure that I will add, like 50 more manic changes resolutions before it's finalized, notarized, and locked securely in a shoe box in the top of my closet because all my office drawers are crammed already with useless knick-knacks and old kid's projects that I can't bear to part with.

Should have added clean my stinking office drawers to the list as well.

Like I said - it's still a work-in-progress. It should be done by...... 2011!

Merry Christmas To All.... And To All A Good Nite!

So this is Christmas

And what have you done

Another year over

And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas

I hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let's hope it's a good one

Without any fear

And so this is Christmas

For weak and for strong

For rich and the poor ones

The world is so wrong

And so happy Christmas

For black and for white

For yellow and red ones

Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let's hope it's a good one

Without any fear

And so this is Christmas

And what have we done

Another year over

And a new one just begun

And so this is Christmas

I hope you have fun

The near and the dear one

The old and the young

A very merry Christmas

And a happy New Year

Let's hope it's a good one

Without any fear

War is over over

If you want it

War is over

Now...

John Lennon - 1971

Idea For An Untraditional Christmas Dinner

I was gonna write about the holiday season, but since this bronchitis from hell cold has taken over my life for the past week, I'm gonna write about last Christmas; food to be specific.

I'm sure most of you are busy slaving away like pigs in heat baking and cooking in your kitchens while fussing over spices and which sweet potato recipe to use off of Food Network. As for me, I'm having another untraditional food fare again this year.

It's really quite expected given the fact that my family has had it's fill of cooking for three days and engulfing the results in 20 minutes flat. All that insanity preparation for just a few minutes of pleasure doesn't seem worth it again this year.

So I'm pulling out the same recipe I followed for last years Christmas dinner in which my father proclaimed "It was one of the best Christmas dinners I've ever had!". I gloated with pride as he hovered over the table gobbling up whatever his hands could grab, because my father is a hard cookie to please in the food department sometimes.

This year's menu will be one of my family's favorites: A Low Country Boil!

It's really quite simple; all you need is a really big, BIG pot with a basket (they call it a Bayou Classic 120 quart monstrosity), a few veggies, smoked sausage, and a bunch of wiggly fresh seafood that you will inevitably wrestle into your BIG pot while trying not to get poked in the eye with a wandering crab leg or two.

The plus side to all of this: NO DISHES!!!!

This stuff is finger food folks! Anything in your pot just gets tossed onto a day-old newspaper and what doesn't get devoured before you get your share is simple wrapped up in the newspaper and given to the cats/dogs or relatives you hate tossed in the trash!

There is absolutely NO slaving over the sink and dishwasher until New Year's Eve trying to clean up the piles of dishes that you and your really crazy family members that you wish to beat into submission relatives have left behind.

Insanity saved!

Last year, Nadia and I added homemade Key Lime Pie and Coconut Cream Pie to the mix just so we could say we baked something. It made the whole thing legit after that. Bottom line: it was simple, sweet, and everyone enjoyed it immensely! So this year I'm sharing my alternative Christmas Dinner Recipe to all in hopes that I save someone else's holiday from landing in the workhorse gutter.

Dinner will happen so fast this year that their will be no time for bored family members to start picking Christmas balls off the tree and throwing them at each other out of extreme boredom.

Bon Appetit!

LOW COUNTRY BOIL:

A Really Big Bayou Classic Aluminum Pot with Basket filled with boiling water (this takes about 30-45 to start boiling depending whether you are using gas or electric, cause we all know that electric stoves take for-EVER to heat up!)

Add This to Water As It Comes To A Boil:

5-6 Pieces of Garlic Smashed not Minced

3/4 cup of Old Bay Seasoning

1/4 Cup of Creole Seasoning

4 tsp. Kosher Salt

3 tsp. Fresh Ground Black Pepper

1/2 tsp. Cayenne Pepper

2 Whole Bay Leaves

The Goodies We Are Going To Add Once It Starts Boiling:

Small Red Potatoes (about 2 per person)

Fresh corn cob cut in half (about 2 pieces per person)

Smoked Sausage (I buy the package of two for a family of 6 - you can figure from here depending how many people you have addicted to that love sausage.

Prawns (NOT Shrimp) 1 pound per 6 people - NOTE: People will be pigs with these.

Black or Green Mussles - 1/2 pound per 6 people

Longneck or Razor Clams - 1/2 pound per 6 people (count on 6 Longnecks or 4 Razors per person)

Sea Scallops - 2-3 per person - DO NOT bother with Bay Scallops as they will only get lost in the mix and you will need a magnifying glass to find one of them.

BIG HONKING Crab Legs like King or "God of the Sea" ones. - These take up a LOT of room in the end so only allow one set of claws per person.

OR

Just use the plain old Claws of the Crab - Make sure you get the biggest and then you can allow 3-4 per person.

Crawfish - 1 pound - I'll leave this up to you if you like them. I don't put them in mine anymore since Toni and Nia ran screaming from the table one night and we had to remove them all before they would come back cause they thought I put "bugs" in the mix!

Any other seafood you deem your favorite.

Put the Goodies in THIS order for THIS amount of time:

Potatoes - 10 minutes

THEN

Corn - 10 minutes

THEN

Sausage - 10 minutes

THEN

Muscles, Crab, Crawfish - 3 minutes

THEN

Shrimp, Scallops, Clams - 3 minutes

Make sure your table is covered in newspaper - several layers cause it's gonna get wet. Have the strongest person in your family lift out the basket and RUN to the table to gently pour it out onto the newspaper. Remember: this is finger food so you really don't need anything other than a few dozen rolls of paper towels, and maybe a few paper plates and plastic forks for the classier relatives who feel that anything eaten with fingers is best left for the lesser-sorts. Remember not to invite them back next year.

Condiments to Add to the table:

4-5 Lemons cut in half and thrown on top of the pile

Extra Old Bay Seasoning to sprinkle on top for that Professional Chef look

Clarified Butter: See Here

Cocktail Sauce: Ketchup mixed with as much horserasdish sauce as you desire

Tartar Sauce: Mayo mixed with sweet pickles, mixed with minced onions, mixed with a hint of lemon juice, mixed with a dash of salt and pepper.

Salt and Pepper for those who are not on high blood pressure meds in your family

Now that I've given you my idea of a fast and easy way to feed your masses in a few days, I expect all of you to behave this Christmas. Remember women, buy only the beer that you allow the hubs to drink during the ball games. If he wants more, just explain that Walmarts was all out by the time you got there and you bought what they had left. He can't argue with that since he can't get out of his Lazyboy at that point to go buy anymore.

Make sure all the kids are complete encased in bubble wrap and are corralled into one locked room with a video game box, a TV, several bags of chips, plus ALL the toys they got for Christmas. You WILL thank me for this!

Make sure you have at least 3, count them, 3 bottles of potent alcohol wine sanctioned off for just yourselves. You WILL thank me for this too!

Merry Christmas,

Happy Holidays,

Happy Hanukkah,

Seasons Greetings,

Happy Kwanzaa!

Did I leave anyone out?

Kids Are Watching Everything - Even When They Are Ignoring You

So I'm writing to you today as I'm nursing/over medicating a cold, so if I sound a little nasal, or delirious, it's because I'm on a Robitussin, Benadryl, NyQuil, Lexapro trip right now - bear with me - and let us all thank GOD all the kids are in school. Sometimes I think that when I feel like this, no one in this house has a clue what I'm going through.

I'm suspecting that one of my kids gave this to me cause they've taking turns coughing and hacking since Halloween. Or, it was quite possibly a stranger that I passed by during one of those gotta get before Christmas moments where a thousand people are crammed into a ten square foot space and clawing one another for the hottest Christmas present while growling a "Merry Christmas to you TOO", between clenched teeth.

MIne would have to be the Rockstar So Chic Stylin Salon Makeover Vanity that I was vying for because Nia has been reminding me three times a day for the past two months, that she wants this from Santa. Everybody else was fighting over fake hamsters, a.k.a., Zhu Zhu Pets; one of which, Mr. Squiggles, was recalled already.

"I'm sorry Johnny, Mr. Squiggles has to go to the vet cause he's sick already. Must have been the high altitude in Santa's sleigh."

THREE DAYS LATER.......

"I'm sorry Johnny, Mr. Squiggles had to be put to sleep. He's with his Zhu Zhu buddies in heaven now."

Kids whole existence has now been altered because a furry fake hamsters made in China had to be euthanized before he could let it run through the tubes of his fake hamster home. This is why I pray that the kids don't go for the "hottest toy for Christmas" bullshit. So far, I've been lucky.

Okay, BACK to the present here!


After all this holiday hysteria, the head feels like someone stuffed a bag and a half of cotton balls up my nose, and the lungs feel like a gallon of sludge (eww gross), is rumbling around in them, my ears are popping so much that it sounds like cap guns going off in my head constantly, and I'm expected to breath and function as a normal mom:

cough* *cough,
*sneeze* *sneeze*
*blow* *blow*
*grab NyQuil and gulp*
*fall on the floor and don't get up till New Year's Day!*

It all really came to a boil when I had to spend four hours at the bank on Monday because the sperm donor I married completely screwed up that bank account several months ago, and I've been trying to get it fixed every since. I thought it was fixed soon after the "screw up", but then I found myself ON MY BIRTHDAY dragging myself down to the main branch for two hours, and then on the phone till after noon getting it fixed.

Which of course they reassured me that it was - several times - but actually, it wasn't!

So Monday I went in again and it took Ms. Willie (which was her first name and NOT her last name, and I couldn't really get too hostile with a person who's mom was STUPID enough to name her daughter Willie), almost an hour before she could actually get it that the bank was in error this time.

After all the millions/billions/trillions of dollars we taxpayers have unwillingly doled out to the banking system in this country, it completely amazes me that we are still getting penalized by the very industry we helped to bail out. I was actually being told to prove that I didn't have a loan with this bank that they took a loan payment out for!

I was getting upset and apparently this was making Ms. Willie so nervous that she thought it would be best if she took a five minute break from me. That's my father coming out in me - either that or the uncontrollable twitching that my eye was going through now, because I just couldn't get her to see what I was seeing.

It literally took me bursting out in blubbering tears and laying my head on her desk in sobs before she finally had that light bulb moment and said: "Something doesn't look right here." , she says in her best, somewhat broken, English.

Well "DUH!", I'm thinking as she's handing me the box of tissues and rolling up her pant legs in preparation for the flood because so much tears and snot are flowing from my head at this moment. My head is spinning, my nose is stuffing up, it's getting hot in that office, and there is no quick end in sight for this situation.

I sit quietly, except for the sniffles and ruffles of several tissues in my hands. Ms. Willie starts making phones calls to this and that department. My head is also exploding with so much anger towards the sperm donor who's sitting at home right now, that I start developing this uncontrollable muscle spasm in my left thumb that now makes me look like I'm constantly making a hand puppet. All I'm missing is a marker to make a couple of eyes and a pair of lips and I'll have this sucker literally talking to me cause I'm beginning to feel a little crazy between the bank, the sperm donor, the eye twitching, and the hand puppet wanna-be happening now.

I sit on my left hand in hopes that it will stop, but it gets worse so now I look like I have this little hop happening as I sit there. Ms. Willie keeps giving me that "are you gonna go postal on me" look as she looking at the computer and taking calls between three different departments now about my account.

Next thing I know, she/they/whoever they are are putting all the money back into my account that the bank took out; and they're doing it rather quickly.

Damn! This crazy person stuff actually gets you somewhere!

So I start asking what are all these charges that the bank took out besides the "loan payment". "Well, these are all for our GL so we know what they are.", she replies.

"Well that's great, but I don't know what they are, so can you explain them to me?", I politely try to ask, hoping she doesn't notice my sinuses now draining all over my upper lip at this moment.

**SNIIIIFFFFF**

She goes back to looking at my paperwork, then looking at the computer, then telling me it's a GL entry, but she still canNOT tell ME what these charges are actually for. All I know is that they are putting the money back in as fast as they can.

"Can I take your number and call you back to tell you what they mean?"

Translation:
They have no FREAKING idea what they did that resulted in two checks bouncing and a couple of nasty legal letters being mailed to my doorstep.

Doesn't matter now; the bank returned my funds, they're fixing it, they're typing out apology letters, but my head is completely clogged now with snot that formed over my bawling on the desktop, and I my whole body is twitching and jerking from a stress-induced adrenaline rush that has no end in sight.

All I say to the sperm donor when I get home is: "Don't even THINK of talking to me about this right now!"

I had the twitches and jerks still when the kids came home from school. Nadia is very intuitive about situations like this, so she steers me in the direction of my bathroom and runs me a very hot bath, gives me a hug and closes the door behind her. I crawl into a ball amongst the steaming hot water and let the bath salts permeate my stuffy nose.

I am soon joined by the four year old midget who simply picks up the wash cloth and starts washing my back while humming a soft tune to herself. There are still no words exchanged as Toni quietly opens the door and lays my pajamas on the sink beside me and gets my toothbrush and lotion ready for when I get out. She flashes me a quick smile and blows a kiss as she exits while Nia is still drizzling hot water over my shoulders.

Quietly Nia leans over and whispers: "Mom, you must remember what we all know - you ARE much stronger than you think."

I feel the tears sting my eyes as I marvel at the wisdom of such a little child.

The next hour is spent with the girls massaging my feet, my shoulders, and my still twitching thumb which they think is absolutely hilarious. I feel the cold settling into my system, but the whole bank episode is now a quick fading memory.

I am reminded of what my cousin said to me not long ago; "My children are watching me more than I think they are." Sometimes I wish this wasn't so, especially since Nia figured out how to open her own Facebook account. I am once again reminded why I transform into my father from time to time; to protect and fight for this little kingdom I have created.

It is also why, regardless of the cold or not, I will fight the germ-ridden masses for that Rockstar So Chic Stylin Salon Makeover Vanity that Nia has reminded me three times a day that she wants from Santa. Plus the Guitar Hero, and the Barbie Townhouse, and the Fallout Video game add-on's, and the 14 different kind of Barbies, and the clothes, and the gift cards, and the homemade marshmallows, and the candy, and..........

Because beneath it all, kids do notice, even when we think they are ignoring us 95% of the time.

Thank God they weren't at the bank with me...... which, BTW, has yet to call me back to explains those charges on my account.

Because of the Holidays, I'm A Candidate for OCD

I came home today completely prepared to knock off the rest of the holiday decorations, minus the tree cause the rest of the kids can't seem to get themselves in their tree-decorating mode. I walked into the house, and I don't know, but I think I was having some sort of pre-menopausal moment because I suddenly envisioned germs and bacteria invading everything at that moment.

Call it a self-made obsessive compulsive moment, but I grabbed the huge container of disinfectant wipes and begin wiping everything down. There I was, still in my solid white, down-filled coat complete with fur-lined hood (cause I had just come from dropping the midget off at Pre-K), down on all floors while cleaning baseboards and cabinet sides with gobs of Lysol soaked towelettes.

Does this happen to anyone? Kinda of like a spring cleaning moment meets holiday insanity!

There my living room stood, filled to the brim with dusty boxes from the garage, and the cats back into the bubble wrap. But during my whole cleaning fit; and I must tell you now that even though my son keeps his room spotless, that bathroom of his has GOT TO GO!

Oh GOD, talk about disgusting! I was completely absent of any clothespins, which I don't think I've seen since I was 10 years old, but I desperately needed at that moment. There went half of that container of Lysol wipes all over ever stitch of porcelain, tile, and, bathroom cabinetry I could scrub. Plus the Softscrub (I think I'm plugging a lot of cleaning products here), mirror cleaner, and whatever else I could get my hands on to rid myself of the germ filled entities I knew were crawling all over ever surface area in the room.

I was killing COOTIES! Ready to barf yet?

But I HAD to do it, you know? I couldn't even THINK about decorating until I knew those buggars were gone.

I'm I going crazy here?

So by the time I rid myself of newfound OCD behavior, I'm back to decorating the fireplace after I let Remi, our oldest cat of one year, out the back door because he's screaming up a fit to get out. First I have to removed all the fragile items and pack them in the same bubble wrap that the Christmas stuff was stored in so that it will be an easy switch once the holidays are over.

Who am I kidding here? There is never anything as an easy switch before or after the holidays. Just ask every stinking retail clerk in every mall and department store in the country!

It puts my mind at ease though, knowing that the stuff won't get broken in some faraway corner that Nia and Toni will eventually find, play with, and break because I was too tired/lazy to store it correctly. It makes me feel good to know I've outsmarting them every now and then!

Meanwhile, Remi is now screaming to get back in to the house. What is up with this cat today?

So Julian and I pack the stuff up and start arranging Nativity and Nutcracker scenes amongst green garland adorned with tiny holly berry's. We finish it all off with a green wreath with gold and red trimming at the top of the fireplace. Julian ends his decorating moment by disguising cat-ravaged poinsettia's in vase so that one cannot notice the dismemberment of leaves and berries. Then he's off to the front yard to start unraveling reindeer and spiral trees from their half-smashed boxes in the garage.

He's such a trooper during the holidays. Because it makes the boy so excited to do this stuff, that one can see the bladder just overflowing with joy!

I begin to store the excess bubble wrap in the Christmas storage box when Remi slowly meanders towards me as I'm rolling wads of the stuff up in my arms. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, he squats and begins to pee on the last remaining bubble wrap on the floor that is laying right beside my foot.

I quickly grab him up, while scolding "NO Remi!", and take him outside.

WHAT is up with this cat?

Oh no, here it comes - the OCD thing!

I quickly take the bubble wrap outside and hose it down. Back into the house I go for some bleach because any normal person would have just thrown it away and be done with it. But we are in an economic recession and NOTHING is to be thrown away anymore. "Reuse and Recycle!" has replace "Be However Freaking Decadent You Wanna Be!".

I'm cleaning it and I'm reusing it! Which I did, and then buffed it dry with a clean towel.

There is something definitely wrong with ME!

I'm back inside packing my clean, fresh bubble wrap in the storage box and rolling it back into the garage. As I'm walking back into the house, I am suddenly hit with the exact same feeling as I had when I had first arrived from dropping Nia off:

I - have - to - clean - NOW!

Since Remi nearly did his thing on the bubble wrap, I was paranoid now that he actually did something and soon the smell would permeate the whole house. Lysol wipes were once again my close companion as I was back on that floor scrubbing it down till all I could smell (and did smell for about two hours), was the fresh scent of bleach and disinfectant.

I was about to head outside to help Julian after that when my moment of peace was quickly interrupted by Remi again. He was now perched on the outside of the living room window. He was screaming to the top of his kitty lungs to get back inside.

I guess he wasn't too partial to that even colder wind we were having today, hmmmm?

The only thought that really entered into my mind at this moment was: "How fast can I make a kitty suit out of Lysol wipes?"