There Is Life Beyond the Internet.... Well... Uh... Kinda

My internet went down for almost four days this week after my modem went ca-PUT. Modem was replaced, but then the whole internet system as we know got shoved in some megabyte corner of the cybersphere. MediaCom said it was because their server wasn't reading the IP addresses.

In other words, someone tripped over the electrical cord and it took them almost four days to realize that it needed to be plugged back in.

I figured that that was a very huge income loss for a lot of people. If there were one million computer addicts making $100 an hour during a 12 hour day with their internet-based businesses, that would be a $4.8 billion loss of income for that four day period.

WHOA!

Now my figures may be a little off on this because I have only had two cups of coffee this morning, so the brain cells have not hit Turbo Max level yet; so feel free to correct me if you wish. Which I'm sure a lot of you will because at this age, I feel lucky that I can still understand what my measuring cups mean.

The real question is: "Do we all still have to PAY for that loss of internet usage?" I'll contemplate that after my sixth cup of coffee.

Now during those four days, I had a whole bunch of time on my hands. It taught me one thing, I spend way too much time on my computer. Dang! The kids were right this time - but if you think I'm gonna tell them that - HA!

I thought that I would share a few ideas/suggestions with the rest of you on how you can best use your time if your internet decides to take a long hiatus while someone at the internet company figures out that they need to plug their system back in as well. This is what one can do in a week's time while losing their mind waiting patiently for their service to come back online.

• Learn to speak several different languages fluently - 3 to be exact! You'll be the envy of all your friends and will most likely be asked to host several parties to show off your new talent. "Oui, oui! Mettez vos culottes sur la grande fille et de le faire!"

• Spring clean your house - five different times! Never can get started too early on that stuff, especially for those of us who have kids. You will simply amazed at how much you are still finding under those darling children's beds after the fifth cleaning cycle. I never knew mold came in that shade of purple before.

• Organize your office - for once! I never knew mold grew on paper in that same shade of purple before either.

• This is a great time to go through your kids old school work that you've been collecting. Yes, every... single... piece... that the kids have EVER brought home needs to be weeded out. One does not have to keep every... single... piece... of math, spelling, and art that every kid has brought home since their first day at day care. Keep the good drawings that one can tell what they are - toss the rest! Make sure you have plenty of Kleenex nearby.

• This is also another good time to reorganize how and when you pay those bills. It was amazing how I found a way to stretch out the number of yearly monthly payments on those pesky medical bills that Julian and I managed to rack up last year - all 15 of them - because we had such an addiction to the ER all summer!

• It's also a beneficial time to go ahead and rip up all those plants you spent too much money on painstakingly planted over the summer because your better half "forgot" to throw the old tarp on top of them so that WOULDN'T FREEZE when the temps went into the 20's a few weeks ago. Dang! I thought that reminding him 20 times and setting the tarp and bricks out for him would send the message.

• This is also a good time to spend some quality time smacking yourself in the head with that same brick because YOU KNOW that you should have done it yourself in the first place.

• I found that the lack of internet service for almost four days enabled me to make a few phone calls so that I could use up all those "rollover" minutes that I just didn't manage to eliminate last month. That took all of about two hours.

• I managed to get my lingerie drawer organized again.

Hummmmmmm.........

Tap... tap... tap... tap... tap.........

Pace inside...... Pace outside...... Feed the cats..... Channel surf.... yawn!

I finally decide to play with computer a bit; figure out what some of the programs I haven't paid any attention to actually do. Click on System Preferences and play around with my Network Connections which are not connected! Click Airport; click NetGear (which is my router), and SUDDENLY.....

OMG - The MOM BLOGGERS CLUB suddenly shows up on my browser - which I still had sitting on Safari so I could occasionally stop by and click Refresh!!

"Oh thank you Dear God for this miracle of ALL miracles!"

I am now on the floor kissing my NetGear router and all cables connected to it. PLUS! I have officially arrived to the 21st Century waaaaayyyy ahead of anyone in my family.

I..... AM..... COMPLETELY..... WIRELESS.... !

Is that legal to say here?

Who NEEDS MediaCom and all their server issues now?

I have wireless internet, I have a wireless printer, and now all I have to do is.....

figure how to get my computer to connect to the wireless printer.

Life is getting way too complicated here!

My Sanity Was Saved By Jack Bauer and a Almond Joy

I woke up from a short nap this afternoon only to be faced with one of the most pressing emergencies my family has ever faced in its' entire 12 year existence:

Our modem connecting 3 computers and Xbox Live exploded!

Yes, it was a big deal; I nearly called 911! Julian was in near tears as he thought his new acquired Xbox Live account had been shut completely off and he was no longer going to be talking WWII strategy with another unknown 12 year video game addict from Timbuktu.

Yes, there IS such a place and it's in northern Mali with a population of 20,000 people (according to my iMac dictionary), and one of those kids is no longer going to be able to shoot down Nazi's and Japanese Kamikaze pilots with my son thanks to the stupid modem.

Nadia was running around doing her "I can't get on the computer" mantra; Toni and Nia were in tears because they couldn't access Barbie Dress Up Games at any point in the near future.

Forget WWII strategy, I couldn't access my blog, or Twitter; God-forbid, I cannot get on Facebook!!

Severe sweating and panic suddenly rush through my entire body at the thought that I cannot communicate with anyone other than a 50-something neurotic alien that I married, AND 4 other pod people under the age of 18 for the next 12 hours.

I begin to cry!

I immediately go into *reset modem* mode:

• Unplug modem power cord
• Unplug cable
• Unplug router
• Count to 30 s-l-o-w-l-y

PRAY - PRAY VERY, VERY HARD!

• Plug in modem cord
• Wait for power light to come on
• Plug in cable cord
• Wait for light to come on that tells me that I am "connecting" to actual human beings throughout the world!
• Plug router back in
• Wait again for stupid blue light to go on on the router that says I can officially "communicate" to said human beings throughout the world!

Everything looks good, all should work, but when I head to my iMac and hit the *Home* button on Safari - not a damn thing happens except:

"Sorry, YOU... CAN'T... TALK... TO.... ANYBODY!!!!"

"HAA.... HAA.... HAA... HAA... HAA!!!"

(A very, very evil laughing sound is coming from

my computers speakers system)

I repeat this whole process about five times before I finally break down to call technical service help at MediaCom to have them reset and ping the modem from their side.

This unplugging and resetting over and over with them goes on so long that I eventually have to take a pee break. I am still hoping that she never heard the toilet flush while telling her I was still waiting for the "Send" and "Received" lights to come on.

Nothing worked! I begin to cry once more as the customer service lady informs me that, "A service technician will have to bring you a new modem TO-MOR-ROW".

EEKKK - gasp - fall on the floor and go into convulsions!

Uh, does this woman realize that I have "work" to do on my computer? That I have a farm to harvest on Farmville cause all my crops are gonna die if I don't, and I won't get to that next level so that I can plant LILIES by Spring Break?

I have people to tweet and family/friends to gossip share important business with? THAT the kids have Farmville, PetVille, YoVille, Barbie Dress Up Games, and I think, a Multiplication game to work on?

I mean, we DO have our priorities around here!

Apparently that does nothing to persuade my customer service helper person to get that internet techno guy out to my house el pronto before my family starts hitting computer DT level.

Maybe I sure refer to my earlier post regarding reconnecting with my family.

Nah! I need that modem NOW!

So I begin searching a box that the hubs keeps full (I mean really full), of unused computer cords, cables, and AH HAH; an old modem. This sucker is six years old, but it's an modem and it should work, right? So I connect it, reset it, unplug, reset, unplug, reset, unplug, reset, UNPLUG, RESET, BANG ON MY KEYBOARD SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES and..... it still doesn't work. So I call MediaCom in hysterics this time to get them to re-ping my modem. Which I should have done before I managed to bang the letter "P" off my keyboard.

I see "Computer Anger Management" classes in my near future.

Long story short (yeah... right), they ping it, it still didn't work until I/we figure out that I have to PAY ATTENTION to the screen on my browser from MediaCom (which is only thing that did manage to come up), that says to re-enter my account and registration code so that THEY know that the modem I am using is actually connected to ME.!

Well... DUH! Chalk this up to one of my blonde - turning grey - highlighted with Sun-In - moments!

I do all that and finally I am up and running on the net at a speed that is five times slower than dial-up connection which leaves me actually sleeping at the monitor while something - ANYTHING - loads up.

It took over five minutes for my email to download. Facebook took well over 10 minutes to get up and running, and Farmville; well, after about 20 minutes of trying to get it to load up, I gave up instead. Guess this is a good time to brace myself for a bunch of dead crops! I don't think I'll mention any of this to the kids until they actually have to log on sometime tomorrow night!

I told you it was an old modem.

So I decided to write this post instead. Lucky You!

My only saving grace tonight, though, is a man named Jack Bauer and his glorious colleagues on "24". I spent at least 2 hours with him which, fortunately, took my mind completely off the fact that Farmville never actually came online and everything is most likely dead, plus my cows and chickens have probably been cannibalising on each other as well.

Nadia actually asked me before dinner, "If I can't get on the computer, WHAT is there to do?" I gave her a list:

• Read a book
• Call a friend
• Watch TV
• Vacuum your room
• Play the Wii with the girls

All I got is: "MooooOOOOoooom, that is sooo boring!"

If this has been a test on my ability to withstand my addiction to the internet; I have completely failed and Bauer would have personally shot me kicked my ass off his team.

At this point, all I can say is THANK YOU GOD for Almond Joys!

Disclaimer: Almond Joy never gave/paid me crap for mentioning their name in this posting.
For that matter.... neither did Jack Bauer - but I still love him!