Monday, January 18, 2010

My Sanity Was Saved By Jack Bauer and a Almond Joy

I woke up from a short nap this afternoon only to be faced with one of the most pressing emergencies my family has ever faced in its' entire 12 year existence:

Our modem connecting 3 computers and Xbox Live exploded!

Yes, it was a big deal; I nearly called 911! Julian was in near tears as he thought his new acquired Xbox Live account had been shut completely off and he was no longer going to be talking WWII strategy with another unknown 12 year video game addict from Timbuktu.

Yes, there IS such a place and it's in northern Mali with a population of 20,000 people (according to my iMac dictionary), and one of those kids is no longer going to be able to shoot down Nazi's and Japanese Kamikaze pilots with my son thanks to the stupid modem.

Nadia was running around doing her "I can't get on the computer" mantra; Toni and Nia were in tears because they couldn't access Barbie Dress Up Games at any point in the near future.

Forget WWII strategy, I couldn't access my blog, or Twitter; God-forbid, I cannot get on Facebook!!

Severe sweating and panic suddenly rush through my entire body at the thought that I cannot communicate with anyone other than a 50-something neurotic alien that I married, AND 4 other pod people under the age of 18 for the next 12 hours.

I begin to cry!

I immediately go into *reset modem* mode:

  • Unplug modem power cord
  • Unplug cable
  • Unplug router
  • Count to 30 s-l-o-w-l-y


  • Plug in modem cord
  • Wait for power light to come on
  • Plug in cable cord
  • Wait for light to come on that tells me that I am "connecting" to actual human beings throughout the world!
  • Plug router back in
  • Wait again for stupid blue light to go on on the router that says I can officially "communicate" to said human beings throughout the world!

Everything looks good, all should work, but when I head to my iMac and hit the *Home* button on Safari - not a damn thing happens except:

"Sorry, YOU... CAN'T... TALK... TO.... ANYBODY!!!!"

"HAA.... HAA.... HAA... HAA... HAA!!!"

(A very, very evil laughing sound is coming from

my computers speakers system)

I repeat this whole process about five times before I finally break down to call technical service help at MediaCom to have them reset and ping the modem from their side.

This unplugging and resetting over and over with them goes on so long that I eventually have to take a pee break. I am still hoping that she never heard the toilet flush while telling her I was still waiting for the "Send" and "Received" lights to come on.

Nothing worked! I begin to cry once more as the customer service lady informs me that, "A service technician will have to bring you a new modem TO-MOR-ROW".

EEKKK - gasp - fall on the floor and go into convulsions!

Uh, does this woman realize that I have "work" to do on my computer? That I have a farm to harvest on Farmville cause all my crops are gonna die if I don't, and I won't get to that next level so that I can plant LILIES by Spring Break?

I have people to tweet and family/friends to gossip share important business with? THAT the kids have Farmville, PetVille, YoVille, Barbie Dress Up Games, and I think, a Multiplication game to work on?

I mean, we DO have our priorities around here!

Apparently that does nothing to persuade my customer service helper person to get that internet techno guy out to my house el pronto before my family starts hitting computer DT level.

Maybe I sure refer to my earlier post regarding reconnecting with my family.

Nah! I need that modem NOW!

So I begin searching a box that the hubs keeps full (I mean really full), of unused computer cords, cables, and AH HAH; an old modem. This sucker is six years old, but it's an modem and it should work, right? So I connect it, reset it, unplug, reset, unplug, reset, unplug, reset, UNPLUG, RESET, BANG ON MY KEYBOARD SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES and..... it still doesn't work. So I call MediaCom in hysterics this time to get them to re-ping my modem. Which I should have done before I managed to bang the letter "P" off my keyboard.

I see "Computer Anger Management" classes in my near future.

Long story short (yeah... right), they ping it, it still didn't work until I/we figure out that I have to PAY ATTENTION to the screen on my browser from MediaCom (which is only thing that did manage to come up), that says to re-enter my account and registration code so that THEY know that the modem I am using is actually connected to ME.!

Well... DUH! Chalk this up to one of my blonde - turning grey - highlighted with Sun-In - moments!

I do all that and finally I am up and running on the net at a speed that is five times slower than dial-up connection which leaves me actually sleeping at the monitor while something - ANYTHING - loads up.

It took over five minutes for my email to download. Facebook took well over 10 minutes to get up and running, and Farmville; well, after about 20 minutes of trying to get it to load up, I gave up instead. Guess this is a good time to brace myself for a bunch of dead crops! I don't think I'll mention any of this to the kids until they actually have to log on sometime tomorrow night!

I told you it was an old modem.

So I decided to write this post instead. Lucky You!

My only saving grace tonight, though, is a man named Jack Bauer and his glorious colleagues on "24". I spent at least 2 hours with him which, fortunately, took my mind completely off the fact that Farmville never actually came online and everything is most likely dead, plus my cows and chickens have probably been cannibalising on each other as well.

Nadia actually asked me before dinner, "If I can't get on the computer, WHAT is there to do?" I gave her a list:

  • Read a book
  • Call a friend
  • Watch TV
  • Vacuum your room
  • Play the Wii with the girls

All I got is: "MooooOOOOoooom, that is sooo boring!"

If this has been a test on my ability to withstand my addiction to the internet; I have completely failed and Bauer would have personally shot me kicked my ass off his team.

At this point, all I can say is THANK YOU GOD for Almond Joys!

Disclaimer: Almond Joy never gave/paid me crap for mentioning their name in this posting.
For that matter.... neither did Jack Bauer - but I still love him!


Cassie said...

Thankfully only my husband and I have serious internet addictions at present and Blackberry will keep us nicely connected in the event of an emergency.

Momfever said...

Yep, those are hard times, when you can't get on the internet! We had the same problem once, and every turn I was thwarted, because we didn't have internet.

It gave me some great insights into my use of the internet, and it really sucked.

Laane said...

You're describing us?

I'm not on facebook though, and the girls have exchanged the barbie stuff with whuddleworld (please use the link on my site, because I can win something when someone subscribes. In return I'll whisper the answers for the entrance questions. ;))

We have to deal with panicky kids quite some times. We've found out that it helps to get movement in the support service to tell them my son is autistic and can't do anything else and that he's screaming all the time when he can't access internet.
It also helps to claim each day internet doesn't work. When money is involved.... Haha!!

Well, I'm dealing with an autistic kid that's bored with WOW and says there are not enough people on Ragnarok.
We can't have it all.

Jen Parker said...

Isn't it sad how we are so dependent on the internet? Luckily, Starbucks and Panera Bread have Wi-Fi!

Jen said...

This post just scares me. We went without the internet for a few hours last year. It was the worst day of my life. Now I think I have to go and pray to the modem and cable gods.

Anonymous said...

As Always An Enjoyment. Thanx Girl!

fetus said...

hahaha... your addiction scares me, and go jack bauer! save the cheerleader, save the world. or did it pick that line from somewhere else? :)

Karen said...

I know you were half joking about this but I know how awful it would be! Especially with corn being so valuable right now. wink

Lori @ Couponomic Stimulus Package said...

I LOVE this post! You are hilarious! I am a such a sarcastic at heart and most people just don't get me!!!

Gingers Mom said...

I'm pretty sure Jack Bauer carries around and Almond Joy in his man bag. That guy has everything.

CastoCreations said...

Ok...this cracked me up. I was ticked when I went into the hospital to give birth because the laptop would not connect to the internet and I could not harvest my crops. ROFL =) That is true addiction.