Friday, February 12, 2010

Don't Ever Take Your Kids to a Movie When They've Read The Book

Well, by now you all know that the whole "snowstorm" thing here in the deep south was a big fat fluffy bust for some of us. I would just like personally thank The Weather Channel for completely destroying my children's faith in "experts" of the meteorological kind. They now think that all of you are freaking out of your minds!

I tend to agree with them now.

The whole prospect of an impending winter storm brought my little community to a complete halt last night in anticipation that we were going to get 2-5 inches of that white snowshine that has befallen much of the nation (everywhere but here) for the past few weeks.

We're jealous and we wanted some. So we prepared by buying out the grocery stores and stoking our fires, and blowing up floaties to use cause none of us own sleds or discs for such activities down here. The streets were completely barren, and I know cause I lost the "draw sticks" game and had to venture out in the cold sleet already coming down, for a bag of cat food and a bottle of wine.

The cat food was obvious, but the wine was for me and the hubs cause the kids suddenly developed the worse cases of ADHD that one has ever seen, and were bouncing off of anything in hopes that Boreras (the god of winter), was hopefully gonna pay Florida a visit this year.

It was kinda of strange going up to the counter with a bottle of Pinot Nior and four cans of cat food as it looked to be an odd purchase for the evening. The clerk understood as he said "It wouldn't have been as strange as a bottle of wine and hot pink duct tape".

You and I both know right now that that man was my soul mate; except he was 20 years younger than me. I would have kissed him right there if I didn't fear getting arrested for pawing a minor! I don't care that cougars are all the rage these days for women my age so we can prove we still got it. I don't have anything to prove other than that I can still hold my bladder like that same 20-something hottie even though I've naturally given birth to 2 bocci balls, one bowling ball, and one super-size me watermelon!

Where was I here? Oh yeah the snow AND the point of this whole story.

So I wake up to the worse amount of grumbling, moaning, and groaning over the weather that four kids could produce in their whole 36 collective years together (that's the total of all their ages put together for those I just confused the shit out of there).

My whole morning, and part of my afternoon was consumed with the following whines every freaking 10 minutes!:

"MooooooOOOOOmmmmm! WHEN is it gonna start snowing!?"

"MOM! WHY is it NOT snowing yet!?"

"Mom - why CAN'T we use the floaties in the rain right now? Then we'll be ready for when the snow starts falling!"

"WHY can't we drive up north and see the snow up THERE!?"

"Mom! When is it gonna start snowing HERE!?"

"Mom! I'm bored - where's the snow!?"

"I want it to start snowing NOW!"

"Mom! I hate you AND the weather man because you both LIED and said it was gonna snow!"

"Mom? Where's the weather man's email cause I need to send hate mail!"

"Mom? Does God make the weather man go to the bad place cause he lied about the snow?" (Yes, this was Nia's question, of course)

"THAT'S NOT FAIR! Nana and Grandpa got snow in Ala-BAM-a! They don't even know what to do with snow! Why did THEY get snow and not us!?"

This is why the school systems here closed schools down today; so we parents would get ALL the obnoxious questions and attitudes and they could sit at home and laugh their asses off about it.

So I did the next best thing today: Escape Reality!

I took my 12 year old twins to see the movie, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - The Lightning Thief. I thought it would be a great idea to chill - no pun intended - in a movie theatre while the "big bad winter storm" passed us by.

First piece of advice to ALL parents: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT take your kids to a movie where they have read all the books to, with the exception of the Harry Potter's series because THAT studio apparently has the financial backing to include all the details that the movie needs to parallel itself with the book.

Did you get all that?

I didn't personally read the Percy Jackson series and thought the movie was pretty cool, but Nadia and Julian have - all five of them - twice. I had to sit through the entire film overhearing comments like this:

"THAT didn't happen that way in the book!"

"He didn't use THAT in the book!"

"They didn't do THAT in the book!"

"He didn't use those shoes; the OTHER guy did!"

"Medusa didn't do THAT!"

"THEY didn't go there!"

"THEY screwed this whole story up!"

The theatre was packed, and I was surprised that some other parent didn't dump their large, extra buttered popcorn on my kids heads, cause I sure wanted to! Since there was a lot of other whispering going on around me, I assumed that the twins weren't the only kids completely dissecting the movie into tiny digital bits on the stadium seating floor; therefore, their parents were just as paralyzed as I was with their own pre-pubescent, pimple-faced movie critics.

So much for the little escape from reality.

Oh Yippee for the sequel!

So I return home with two disappointed kids still fuming over the whole "no snow - no show" issue, while dragging disappointed twins behind me from a ripped apart screenplay of one of their favorite book series. Right now, I think that hanging myself by my feet from the ceiling fan and torturing myself with cheap household products would be far more fun than my household tonight.

Now which closet DID I put that happiness bubble in?

Ahhh... THERE it is! My little bag of joy cleverly hidden in my freezer and filed under "Feed During Emergencies".

Suddenly there are smiles all around as mommy fills each little hand with a pile of semi-sweet Gueridelli chocolate bits. All thoughts of snow and ruined books-turned-movies leave the thoughts of my four children as little hums of "Yum" fill my kitchen.

Don't EVER tell me that chocolate doesn't heal all!


Tara R. said...

So I guess my plan to read the book before going to the movie is not a good one?

We were all disappointed with the 'no snow, no show' too. Cres-tucky got some big flakes, but it didn't stick.

If the Administration wants a nation of happy people, send chocolate, forget a stimulus package. I want Hershey bars and M&Ms. Chocolate martinis are pretty tasty too.

Draft Queen said...

Let the kids know that up here in Massachusetts our weathermen lied too. And out school children ALSO had no school despite absolutely no snow.

On the last day of my 20's.

It's like the weathermen hate me.

3LittleMonkeys said...

Sorry (I think) to hear you didn't get the snow!
And yes, chocolate fixes EVERYTHING!

Gordon said...

I Think We Got Your Snow. They Said None We Got 3 Inches. Just Shows For All Their Fancy Computer Models They're Just Guessing!

Sara Elizabeth said...

I, sadly, am like your children. I read books first, and I cannot control myself when comparing the movies to the books. It just comes out of my mouth.

I find that a lot of bookworms are slightly know-it-all-ish, in an innocent way, and I think that is why we do that. We can't help it! lol