Thursday, December 10, 2009

My Christmas Kitties from Hell!

It's that time of year again where we folks painstakingly drag our holiday decorations from their cobwebbed infested corners because we haven't paid much attention to them since last year. I have to wonder why we do this when it causes more arguments, cussing, and back injuries just so we can take that one single day of the year to sit back with our Aunt Willammena's "special" (gag) eggnog and admire all the ripped (expensive) wrapping paper on the floor as the kids fight/knock each other out, over who gets to use the Wii first.

Because it's Christ-MAS - THAT'S why!

Which brings me to the fact that I have finally dragged mine out from the garage from the 8 different areas that that man I married decided to put them throughout the year of constantly rearranging and cleaning out the garage, even though it still looks the like the same wreck it started out as. He must have thought I wanted to go on a scavenger hunt this year for the decorations.

At least he could have left me a map!

I spent the better part of the morning though, gluing a camels head and legs back on because one of the kids (which shall remain nameless at this time), thought it a good idea to take him for a ride a week after I brought him home from the estate sale of the lady that died around the corner from our house.

I also spent that time apologizing profusely to this poor old dead woman and promising (taking a vow) that I would care for her items she so loved by wrapping them in wads of bubble wrap and securing them in a lock box at the bank so that that nameless child never plays with them again.

Even though the tree decorations are out and ready to adorn our live fresh, can't remember what kind it is, tree - I don't dare put them on. This will only result in 4, count them, 4 major meltdowns when the kids come home. One meltdown from the 4 year old midget is enough, but add three others to the mix and momma's ready to down some of Aunt Willamena's crappy eggnog in one gigantic gulp!

So as they sit in the box while I choose what I am allowed to put out at the moment, I am left with two very curious cats who have awaken from their mid-morning naps to check out what I am rustling around with in the room next to them.

Why now?

As I gently removed fragile villages that I have purchases for an amazingly cheap price at Target's after Christmas sales that I hope will survive till the kids get old enough for me to pass/dump onto them and their kids - those cats get even more curious.

Soon Chowder starts pawing, then eating the tree. Now we all know that if he gets too curious and too excited about the movement that tree is beginning to make, I will have that thing laying across my floor with pine needles everywhere and a big sopping wet spot where I just watered the damn thing.

So I shoo him away, three, four, five.... oh hell, I lost count how many times.

Now when the bubble wrap comes off some of my large items like Santa, and a tree Nia and I made together when she was 2, they cats suddenly find a new fascination. They are so fascinated that it soon sounds like gunfire going off in my living room as they rip into the bubbly plumes of plastic now covering my floor, jump back from the noise, then attack again as if it's going to mutate and engulf them in a clear plastic hell.

I have boxes all over the floor and table, glitter on my face that I can see out of my eye but can't seem to remove and it's driving me crazy, plus 2 frantic cats fighting with bubble wrap as they stream it all over the house.

I'm putting up with all of this because it's Christmas!

Next thing I know, the two rats with fur are going through the boxes because, apparently, they are bored with the bubble wrap at this point. The next thing I see is Remi dragging out my fake poinsettia's and running across the floor with Chowder running behind them.

I'm off for the chase!

The two of them plant themselves in the hallway and proceed to attach claws to fake leaves and bat and chew it to death.


I suddenly turn to see the silver tree garland that one of them managed to sneak off with without my seeing. I guess this is gonna be the year I'll be pulling tinsel out of one of their butts!

Ewwww, gross!

It's time to be mean kitty mommy and put the two delirious furballs outside where maybe the cold wind this morning will calm them down. Either that or they'll just finish off my garden with all that excited energy they've managed to accumulate while tearing up the Christmas decorations.

Back inside I check the status of the Elmer glued camel, only to discover that one of the cats got to that too, and the head and two legs are strewn all over the kitchen counter.

Another apology to the poor old dead woman.

I decide to give up for the morning and instead make this a process done over the next few days instead of "surprising" the kids when they get home. I go around the house collecting bubble wrap from various rooms and corners and stuff them all back in a box. Make a mental assessment of what will go where, and to make sure I get chocolates for the Advent Calendar. I know, I'm 10 days late on that one and I'm sure to hear about it from one, or all, of the kids therapist when they become adults on how mommy mentally screwed them up because the Advent Calendar was put up on the tenth and not December 1st!

Sometimes I hate this job!

My optimistic side doesn't worry because the kids and I will knock this decorating out in no time flat as they enlist the help of their friends like they did last year.

"Hot Chocolate anyone?"

At least I won't be outnumbered by felines on the take for holiday decor. By the time they see all those kids coming - they'll be clamoring to get out the back door! But not before they steal a piece of bubble wrap, or two.

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