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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Spring in Here! AAUUGGHH!!!

Okay, this time of year is my absolutely favorite time of the year, but is also the most dreaded time of the year too. I know, I know, that's an oxymoron of sorts. That's why this time of year drives me crazy. And it doesn't help that I have raging hormones this week either! God, I hate hormones - or is it Spring Fever - doesn't matter! Whatever is happening to me at the moment just plain sucks big banana weanies!

On top of it, the kids have started their Easter Vacation this week. Oh, I'm sorry, did I not speak in a politically correct manner here? Listen, every since I was a kid, it's always been known as Easter Vacation because it falls during Easter. I have a problem with calling my kids vacation from school "Spring Break" because this is originally named for a week for beach-bound college students who spend their time with boobs a blazen, kegs of beer, and lying on the beach half-drunk, half-dead, or both. Therefore, I cannot connect Spring Break with anyone under 18; least of all my kids. So Easter Vacation it is - as it always has been!

Easter Vacation is also the time we parents get to "prepare" ourselves for summer vacation. Call it the.... Summer Endurance Try-Outs. It is that time of year that our kids dish out everything possible in order to see what 2 1/2 months after school is out will bring. The kids are asking themselves:

"Are mom and dad reeeally ready for us this year again? Oh, they look a little worn this year. Let's get em this week! You refuse to clean your room for a couple of days while I look like the 'good' kid - then we'll switch! That'll confuse em good. Oh, by the way, encourage Nia to climb the bookcase and we'll stand back and play dumb! Don't forget, make sure we fight extra hard while cleaning the kitchen after dinner. That should send them over the edge by the end of the week! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!"

Let me tell you something, if you think your kids do not sit back and think of deviant behavior to commit against your will, then you've been sniffing too many azaleas this season. I guarantee they sit in school two weeks before Easter Vacation and plan this shit out... in detail!

Combine this with those allergies that you never had as a kid (well, not so bad anyway), but hit you like some karmic two by four come the first freaking day of Spring. I am fine until the buds appear and suddenly I'm feeling like someone has inserted two ice cold, ice pics directly into both sides of my forehead. Add that "curved" ice pic that has been inserted into my left ear and curves itself up to the top of my head. What the hell is that all about!

After about 8-9 Benadryl throughout the day, several acupuncture treatments later, and I am officially whacked out of my head, but the headache still lingers on like a really bad date. My red, sore nose is beginning to resemble W.C. Fields after a case of cheap bourbon, when Nia suddenly brings me some flowers she has just picked from the yard. You know, the ones that seem to always have extra pollen on them at this precise moment in time. Where ARE those stinking Honey Bees when you need them! They're suppose to be taking care of this pollen shit for me!

"SMELL EM Mooooom!" she squeals

"Not now Nia, mommy has a sinus headache", I reply knowing that resistance is futile at this point.

"Smell em mom - smell them NOW!" she says with that same look that my husband gets when the kids fight about doing dishes. I swear she looks like one of those characters from the Starship Voyager series with that wrinkle on the bridge of her nose.

"Okay Nia", I say half-heartedly cause I know I'm gonna be suffering for another day because of this one damn sniff.

I sniff. My nose starts itching. My head hurts a little bit more. And then out of nowhere, the sneeze from hell comes roaring forth and those little multi-colored blossoms become encased with, with..... I'll just say it - SNOT - and LOT'S of it!

"MooooooOOOOOM!" Nia cries. "YOU RUINED MY FLOWERS!!!" she screeches, in that high-pitched tone that just made my eardrums go crack.

I'm feeling the need for another Benadryl as she begins to cry at this once beautiful little bouquet she held, but lays at my feet instead in a slimy, nauseous mass.

Since I have been officially ordained as the fixer of all things physical and emotional in my family from the moment the twins were first conceived, I stumble to my feet and hesitantly walk to the other side of the yard to the cluster of flowers Nia once sat at, and picked from moments ago. This time I pick her a bouquet while firmly gripping my nose with my left hand to avoid any unpleasantries in the process. I cannot hand her a freshly picked bouquet of mucous!

I walk back to her with my measly, and hastily chosen selection of wildflowers from the corner of the yard. She is quietly sitting, legs spread and hair covering her face, on the back porch while squashing ants with her fingertips. She is still sulking over my mishap.

"Nia - will these make it better", I quietly say while pushing aside her hair from her eyes.

Nia looks up at the flowers with those big brown eyes, then at me. She then stands to give me a big hug and whispers "I love you mommy," in my ear.

Yeah, it's a Hallmark moment.

This is about the time that the most inappropriate thing happens: my nose starts this piercing stinging again that signals an impending sneeze coming. I hurriedly give Nia a bunch of kisses and say something about having to go to the bathroom.

It is about the time that I swing open the door to go into the house AT the same time that Julian is attempting to come outside.

AAAAACCCCHHHHHHOOOOO!!!!!!

I let it rip - holding NOTHING back!

Let's just say that Julian and I are now even in the department of "drive your parents crazy during Easter Vacation"!

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