Spring is Here!! and cleaning for it is just plain messy!

You know we all have this love/hate relationship this time of year. Yes folks, it's Spring Cleaning time again. The clocks have moved forward leaving us feeling like we should still be in bed, but we still have to get our rugrats up and motivated to finish those last 3 months of school.

I call it the 100 day school slump.

It is also the time of year that we meticulously move from one room to the other taking inventory of what goes - what stays - and what needs to be fumigated and put in Haz-Mat bags.

I've been dabbling here and there; removing frozen-to-a-black-death, foliage from the entire backyard. The only thing that survived this winter was the rosemary, the lavender, and by some miracle; my already half-dead parsley revived itself in full glory after the last freeze.

Go figure THAT one!

I've now started on the house which after this morning, realize it's BEEN a year since I really gave the place a good laundering. I started with cleaning up the last of the ashes in the fireplace.

Thinking I'd be on top of the situation and not make a mess, I took four plastic bags and layered them in a small wastebasket and carefully shoveled the ashes out of the fireplace.

Things were going pretty good, eh?

Oh "bright one" here decided not to don cleaning clothes and instead, wore my new Gap capri's which are a light grey. Soon, darker shades of grey and black were flying all over the place and my pants must have contained a serious amount of static electricity, because that's where the shit landed!

You think I would get smart NOW and change clothes. No, my brain cells are having a blonde moment still in a long winters sleep and I'm thinking, "Just be more careful."

This is where I get another clever idea whereas not to send flying dust up my nose, I will just spray it down, sweep it up, and be over it in no time.

Well, I proceed to spray the entire stinking fireplace with multicleaner, (because it is clear and it reminds me of water - but isn't), thus clogging what airspace I have left with toxic fumes, and THEN climbing in with my new capris still on while sweeping up the last of the ashes, which accumulated in thick hard piles in the corner of the fireplace, with my little hand broom.

Oh you can tell I am not the brightest little lightbulb in the bunch, can't you?

After noxious fumes start my head swirling and my lungs heaving, I lean back to breathe some normal air behind me; but not before I smack that completely full wastebasket of neatly layered plastic bags, soot and ashes, all over my bloody, ca-ca looking, linoleum floor!.

And the butt of my pants got it too! My cargo capris now have this camouflage look going on.

What would take any NORMAL person 10 minutes to do, took my over an hour to make and clean up from.

So then I'm left sweeping the floor - the WHOLE floor - because once those ashes hit - they spread like a fast moving disease. I'm thinking of calling someone to hose down the furniture now. This is the reason I spend money I don't have; because I do stupid shit like this in order to save money.

Now I have to mop. I go looking for the mop and the mop is no where to be found. Please tell my why my kids think it's a good idea to play with my steam mop and then make it disappear at moments like these?

So now I can't mop up the last of the soot in my retarded Spring Cleaning impulse and will have to wait till the kids come home from school. I mean can you imagine me calling the school and leaving a message at the front desk for one of the twins to call me back and tell where my mop is?

I live in a small community and that would spread like wildfire, thus embarrassing the twins to the point that I would have to homeschool them in another country!

In my process to activate my Spring Cleaning buttons, I have now managed to wreck the house even further and will be spending extra money on cleaning the crap off my clothes in a batch of laundry I didn't even plan on today, and taking another shower cause the crap is in my hair as well.

The moral of all this is:

The next time your significant other complains about your requests for a maid - bitch slap them, lock them in a closet with some of your chocolate stashes (not TOO much though), all call for domestic back up!

Trust me! You will be saving the better half time, money that will soon be spent on therapy over this, and quite possibly - your relationship.

Now - me, my latte', and some leftover Valentines chocolate that I found earlier, are hitting a much needed bubble bath!

Speaking of domesticated back up; I think it's the twins turn to mop this time around.

Nia's First Night at the Fireplace - A Bedtime Story..... Well, Sorta.

So as we're getting ready to crank up the fireplace since getting fixed this past summer, I was imagining what I'm going to be going through with my four year old as she experiences her first indoor fire in her whole little existence on this planet thus far. It's probably gonna go something like this:

"Yes Nia, daddy is starting a fire tonight."

"Yes honey he does know what he's doing."

"Uh.. no, there's no need to call the fire department, and yes we are allowed to make a fire in the house. As long as it's in the fireplace."

"No honey, daddy can't make one in your room; only in the living room."

"Uh no Nia, daddy already cut firewood, you don't need to put mommy's fake tree in there."

Now the fire is roaring and we're sitting all around basking in it's warmth on one of those few really blistery days down here in Florida, so the scene continues like this:

"Uh Nia, you need to stay away from the screen."

"No Nia! You don't need to get IN the fire, just sit here with the rest of us."

"No Nia, don't mess with the screen. Nia... Nia... put the screen back. No it doesn't HAVE to go in a zig zag direction. No, you don't need to lay it down because it's NOT blocking the heat."

"No Nia, you don't need to put paper in the fireplace. Daddy already did that. No Nia, don't get the copy paper. We need that for the copier. Don't... sto... no....!"

"Nia, do NOT put the Barbie doll in the fireplace!"

"Yes honey, her hair does look like someone cut it with a lawnmower, but she can't go in the fireplace."

"NIA DON'T PUT THE CAT IN THE FIREPLACE!! He's already warm, that's why he has fur!"

"Nia... Nia... no Nia; you can't lay down right in front of the fire; and leave the fire tools alone. They are NOT ninja gear!"

"That's okay Nia, it was an old DVD disc anyway. Yes honey, it DOES make pretty colors as it melts around the firewood. Yes Nia, I DO see the black smoke coming out."

"Nia, you do not need to fan the smoke with the pillow. OH, that was an old pillow too. Just stand back and daddy will take care of it."

"OH MAN THAT I MARRIED!! Nia tossed a pillow into the fireplace and I need your help!"

"Yes Nia, the pillow makes a lot of smoke too."

"Uh, Nia, why do you have all those leaves?"

"Nia, DON'T put the leaves in the....."

"Yes honey, daddy is putting the fire out."

"Why? Uh, cause it's warm enough in here, that's why."

"Yes honey, I know he's throwing in a bucket of water."

"Nia, it's time for bed honey."

"Uh Nia, why are you dragging you blanket and pillow in here?"

"No, you are not sleeping beside the fireplace."

"No Nia, the fireplace does not get scared at night."

"No Nia,. the fireplace does not have nightmares after you put it out."

"Nia, Nia please put the poker down. No you cannot dig in the house with the fireplace shovel."

"NIa... Nia.... time for bed Nia. Let's go put you to bed now."

"Uh what's that Nia?"

"Yes, daddy did get wet putting the fire out, and yes he is yelling quite a lot right now."

"What? Was that a bad word daddy said? Oh no honey, daddy is just repeating the Chinese words he learned on his computer tonight."

"Yes it does rhyme with bit. Very good honey, now let's get into bed."

"Good night sweetie - I love you too! "

"What is that?"

"Make another fire tomorrow?!"

"Let's just see if mommy can clean all the soot off the floor and ceiling tomorrow, okay sweetie?"