Thursday, October 15, 2009

I'm Baaacccckkkk... as my engine spurts and sputters to a start!

"1... 2... 3... Hello. Anyone out there? Is there anyone left listening to me after my month long hiatus?" ***** tap tap tap ***** on the mike.

Hello blogging world - I'm back.

"So what!". Okay, WHAT-ever!

In a nutshell, I took some time off to repair some cracks and holes in my family life, get a new haircut which totally sucks and I'm pretty much left going out in public with a paper bag over my head, lurking everyone's blog, and reconnect with a ba-ZILLION friends and family on Facebook that I have seen or heard from in like 25 years. It's been one big reunion party over there of late.

Frankly, after Toni's teachers "diagnosis" of her having ADD here, I was beginning to think that I had it since my focus has been so off lately. I've just had my fingers in all kinds of pie's this past month, and some of them were pretty damn rancid!

So what have I been doing of late?

Well, the first hour before I started writing this morning was consumed with deleting 244 pictures that Nia took on my iPhone of random shots like the floor, the tops of tables, the computer mouse, her finger (smudged and blurred), and the wall. How does a four year old take so many shots of absolutely nothing is beyond me. Why I let her do it is another completely puzzling question.

First, I lost my family about a month ago and I had to find them. They didn't leave home, they just all seemed to have left the "family unit" under my watch. So I did the thing that all crazy mothers do in my situation: I LAID DOWN THE LAW AND PULLED THE PLUG(S)!

The kids were fighting over the littlest things like who got more toothpaste on their toothbrushes, who had to actually pick up THE cheerio that fell to the floor and put it in the trash can, who's turn it was to pet the cat, look at the cat, etc., and actually have the kids look in their rooms to see that it was/is a complete disaster area that needs serious attention before the HazMat teams come out and move us out for harboring toxic waste dumps in our house.

Oh, and I had to remind them that the laundry DOES NOT fold and put itself away in their drawers with the help of some magic fairy pixie-person/mutation they saw on Disney the night before.

This is me glowing as a result of all the toxicity:

I leave you with some evidence:

Well.... what about the plug thing. The fights got so bad, and the neglect over basic household chores was so blatant, and everyone seemed to be in their own little corner of the house doing their own thing; i.e, glued to the TV, Xbox360, Wii, or computer, that I literally "pulled the plug" on it all!

I packed up all the video game essentials, blocked ALL under age 12 related channels on the TV, and hid all computers but the hubs and mine, cause we all know what would happen to the parents if we didn't have our own little outlets in which to tune out the finger on the chalkboard whining that hit when I did this.

The next week is total mayhem and chaos, to the point that I nearly call the local adoption agency to come pick up the war-torn aliens that have replaced my children and are living in my house and eating my food! But suddenly, on the first day after the first week, God parted the seas of tension and hostility, and their sat my four little babies in Toni's room all playing quietly and happily together without the assistance of some tubal connection to some electronic outlet that normally is buzzing their brain cells during this time of day.

I completely believe now that TV and video games seriously hardwire your kids into mutant blobs resembling THAT child YOU birthed that left you

getting 999 STITCHES on your vagina for!

Then on the second day, God said "Thou shalt do thy homework on time", and they were.

On the third day, God said "Thou shalt stop treating thy parents as if they are complete buffoons", and they did. Respect had been restored to a allowable and livable level in my home.

All is not perfect in my house, but at least the kids are being civil with one another again and not fighting over what channel to watch, whose playing what on what video game console, and acting as if mom and dad are the stupidest people in the world. The girls are now taking active participation in cleaning their rooms a little bit better. Like I said, all is not perfect...... yet!

The point is that I took some time off from writing to take back control over the household which I had somehow let run amuck in the time that I have been submerging myself into the blogging world. The readership, followers, pinging, and twitting just had to wait awhile.

Facebook on the other hand, was coming at me at uncontrollable levels due to the number of family I have all over the place. I think God dubbed my mother's side of the family the "Breeders", cause DAMN, I have a serious amount of relatives on that side. Then we add to all the childhood friends I grew up with in North Carolina, and it's beginning to make my office feel like I'm sitting in a matchbox these days cause there are so many people in my life now that weren't there a year ago.

Ain't the internet just grand!

Now, I have to do the REAL dirty work and pull the plug on the hubs TV time during dinner (which I COMPLETELY loath), and somehow rig his computer so that it refuses to work between the hours of 7 and 9 p.m., when I have been left to put four tired and cranky kids to bed myself.

This is the visual of what a tired and cranky four year old sees

of her father as she's trying to get his attention

just to say good night:

Yeah, I thought I was trippin' too cause his leg looks all contorted and lumpy!

Ladies, mothers, Mr. President.... any suggestions on what to do with the hubs now that I've partially straightened out my kids?????

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