Thursday, June 11, 2009

Your Themepark Sucks and So Do Your Eggs Too!

Sometimes I like to stop and notice the stupid things in life.  Like when I went to the grocery store today.  I'm just doing a quick run through to pick up a few things for dinner:  chicken, BBQ sauce, corn on the cob, stuff for a salad, and....  oh, eggs!  Since I'm on this fat-free-as-possible way of eating, I've been upping my consumption of egg whites lately, so I gotta pick up a few dozen.  I send my husband up to the register with the girls and make a quick backtrack to the dairy department.  

I'm looking at the various selections available: vegetarian fed eggs, all natural, organic, extra cheapy, and Disney.

WHOA!  Wait a minute!

Disney eggs!  The world has officially gone to hell in an egg basket and now Disney owns that as well.  This I had to see.  So I grab a carton and begin to read past the blazen Mickey head staring up at me.  I can actually hear him saying:

 "Okay, kiddies!  I've got some reeeeeal nutritious stuff for you to eat now!  Now dig real deep into your mom and dad's pockets and shell out the $3.49 just so Disney can rip you off even when you're NOT at DisneyWorld!"

Disney eggs have all the stuff labeled on the front that mom's want to read when being choosey in the food department for their kids.  They seemed to have it all:  Omega 3, protein, all-natural (their still too cheap for organic), no hormones added, and "your pals inside".  

"What the hell did that mean?", I thought to myself, cause I have this old lady beside me and I didn't want to seem too crazy talking out loud to a freezer full of eggs.  "Are they putting prizes in eggs now like cereal or something?", I'm mumbling to myself while flashing an "I'm okay" smile at the lady.

So I open them.  What do I find but a bunch of Mickeys, Minnies, Goofy's, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah, blah staring their stupid little smiley faces back up to me as if I'm suppose to smack down a frying pan and start cooking them/with them right there in the dairy aisle next to the organic milk and orange juice!

"Oh kiiiiiids!  Come on over here - Mickey and Minnie are in a carton of eggs and they want us to cook with them!", I imagine some Disney-fanatic beside screaming as she opens her newfound - I hocked everything for Disney - find.

It's not bad enough that DisneyWorld/Land expects society to refinance our home AND second home in order "afford" a weeks vacation there; now they want to climb into the sacred shrine- my kitchen - in my home and HAVE ME EAT THEM TOO!

Listen - I've done the jaunt to DisneyWorld with my kids five times in the past 10 years.  I think I know what I'm talking about here.  Were we crazy to do so - oh hell yeah!  We were reliving our childhoods with our kids cause neither my husband nor I had ever been.  We were the type that had to listen to all our friends tell about all their little adventures in Contemporary Land, or the Polynesian Resort, and camping at Ft. Stinking Wilderness.

I have now acquired a problem with taking my kids to a theme park and not being able to afford to buy a little bit of entertainment without taking out a loan, okay... okay!  I have a problem with this theme park taking advantage of kids fantasies and dreams via the entire pocketbooks, bank accounts, stock/bonds, CD's, and whatever assets the parents own, in order to put a smile on an innocent little kids face.

The last time we went, my now seven year old daughter was five.  When we got there, she got sick as a dog.  She stayed up two whole nights; one with an ear infections and the other throwing up every 20 minutes.  She had to stay in bed four out of the six days we were there over Christmas holiday.  The twins and I decided to go out one afternoon and buy her something to make her feel better since she was missing....  everything due to puking her guts out and not being able to eat.

We purchased one Ariel princess dress, one Minnie princess doll, one stupid Ariel crown, and one pair of Ariel princess shoes.  $200 later on those four items, she produced the first smile in three days.  But this was not before I was delirious from no sleep for two days and I left my purse in some English Fish N Chips joint in Downtown Disney.  I freaked out so bad that the sales staff from the store next door we went into after lunch, thought I had lost one of my kids and alerted security when I actually just left my purse with all the credit cards and $800 in cash in previous restaurant.  I felt like a complete idiot when my son returned with my purse and everyone just gave me the "eat shit" look and walked off.

But it took $200 to make her finally smile and Disney knew they could make buukuu bucks off that one situation regardless of my own mentally and physical stability at the time.  Which is, of course, just one of the many countless situations they count on to make money off of.  It didn't make it any better that everything was made in China either.  

I could let it go if it was American made, but we all know that China makes it for about 15 cents, but we hock our first and second born in order to afford the price.  See, that's whose in all those dwarf costumes there; it's the kids we had give up in order to buy stuff for the other kids we took.

I also took the twins out that day to Rainforest Cafe.  I paid over $100 for three kids meals, two fancy kids drinks, a hamburger and a cup of coffee for me.  Excuse me!  Why did I pay that much?  Was it because I had fake tree vines over my head and the constant racket of tropical birds drowning out the pouring rain that was blowing in on our table?  Is that why Disney charged me that much for a meal that was less filling than a cracker with cheez whiz on it?

"But it's Diiiisney!", you whine, and anyone who says that is a complete freaking moron and you deserve to file for bankruptcy three or four times over the amount of money you've paid to Disney already!  On top of the fact that it rained the entire time we were there and the temperature never raised above 38 degrees (I know they can't do anything about the weather - DUH), I felt completely violated, from the whole situation, by Mickey himself.  

For the amount of money we paid on that last trip of complete misery - emotionally and financially, Mickey should have come in himself sporting that wizard hat, waving his magic wand, and magically making my daughter well and dancing on the rooftops with those chim-chiminey chim chim cherie characters.  We were all glad to go home, and it was the quietest trip home I have ever taken with four kids.  The only thing we got for free from Disney was a plate of disappointment and disgust.

So now back to the eggs.  I thought I had forgotten, for the most part, that horrid "vacation" back in Christmas of 2006 until I came face to face with that stupid carton of "Disney" eggs.  The memories flood through the vessels of my mind as if it had happened last week.  If it hadn't of gotten me thrown in jail and then in a straight jacket in a funny farm, I would gleefully thrown every one of those Mickey, Minnie, Donald, and Goofy "Large, plus essential nutrients", eggs all over the bloody dairy department of Publix.

Boy - THAT would have been a sight to see.......  Bawhahahahaha!

But I think I've made it perfectly clear that Disney will no longer violate the confines of my home or our life again.  I don't care if Tinkerbell herself was sprinkling pixie dust over the eggs while I'm standing gawking in the egg freezer and saying to me, "Fly---Fly away to Neverland!"  I would have popped her up the side of her fairy wings with one of those eggs too!  I am not crazy enough to go back to DisneyWorld, and I'm sure as heck not crazy enough to serve DisneyWorld to my family at breakfast.

"In the morning, I'm. Making. Waffles!"


Gondooo said...

Eggs? EGGS?!!! What the bleep is Disney doing selling eggs? Gees, next they will have their own grocery store! Shhhh Don't givem any ideas! Would you believe I've clocked up a record 27 visits to that confounded place...and all that before JJ was born in '88! Back in the days when it was affordable family entertainment.

Draft Queen said...

As you were describing the eggs I was *hoping* there would be pictures. Then I giggled at the mental vision of you taking pictures of eggs in the middle of the dairy aisle.