Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hurricane Season in Suburbia

Step right up folks, hurricane season is about to begin. It's that time of the year that we folks who live on the suburbia coastline down here in the South start staring at the Weather Channel as if God himself was talking to us from behind that 42" LCD screen we hocked our first born to buy. Let me tell you something, folks in the South love their Weather Channel.  I think I told you here, what happened the last time I went through a hurricane.

There's one thing that is a complete mystery to me about hurricane season though. How is it that people who work and live in Colorado (a state that doesn't even see one spit from a hurricane), be the one's who actually predict how many hurricanes and tropical storms will see landfall?

Hmmmm....... Rocky Mountains..... hurricanes..... Rocky Mountains...... hurricanes..... Rocky Mountains..... hurricanes........ NOPE, no connection there!

But still, we follow those predictions like we follow the ice cream man in his tacky white truck that plays wobbly music, as summer comes around.


Time to start worrying, randomly pulling hair out, and freaking out over every storm that has wind and lightning attached to it. Frankly, I like that kind of wind that blows so hard that birds fly standing still. Man, that is weird looking!

It is also time to download those supply list that those "experts" in Colorado say that we need. It is time to take inventory, or lack thereof, of our pantries and garages. It is that time of year that every hardware store within 500 miles of a beach jacks up the prices of plywood bigger than a foot. There's a stimulus package built in to every hurricane season here; the weather stimulates us to buy even more of what we really don't need - but maybe we do, and that's what makes this time of year so freaking nuts. We bought, but the hurricane didn't come our way, now we don't need it. But then, we did get hit and it all flooded away so why the hell did we buy it in the first place. We could have used the money to rent a condo in like..... Colorado!

As insane as we already are, we will soon be rushing down to Wal-Marts and Home Depot with our supply lists for the whole family in case your home is blown away and you have to sit in a FEMA trailer for the next two years waiting to see if your homeowners insurance will, or will not pay for the damage. Your new formaldehyde surroundings give them extra time to declare a new "hidden" clause in your policy that says "NOPE, we no pay you nothing because we are the cheap bastards that finagled all that money out of you with shoddy policies and we aren't about to give it back!" So, update that to-do list and start calling every relative possible to make living arrangements that just might last a few years.

Now about that supply list. I don't know how many are in your family, but I have to buy for six. This means I will have to obtain a small loan in order to afford everything that the NHC (National Hurricane Center), suggest that we are going to need. Now as you know, I just recently had a yard sale and the reason I had this sale was so that I could clear out the garage in order to now fit all the shit I have to buy that I may, or may not, use in the event of a hurricane. If some of the stuff gets that moldy/mildewy smell from sitting in a hot and humid garage all summer long for lack of use.... well then, just TOO BAD! I guess we can just donate it or something at the end of the season and take the loss on our taxes.

I'm getting crazy just thinking about all of this!

So my on-top-of-it, smarty pants kids went online and printed my "Hurricane Preparedness List" for this year, since, well..... I don't HAVE one! I guess after Hurricane Ivan, they felt we needed to be more prepared in case... like..... another tree crashes down on the house again! I choose to conveniently forget things like this, but then this is why God gave me kids in the first place.... so I don't!

So according to NHC, the following is a list that is suppose to make my summer a worry-free one knowing that my garage will now be full to the brim with my supplies needed to make my place livable even though we may be treading in three feet of water with the cat struggling beside us:

  • Water
  • Food/MRE's
  • Blankets/Pillows, etc.
  • Clothing
  • First Aid Kit/Medicines/Prescription Drugs
  • Special Items
  • Toiletries/Hygiene Items/Moisture Wipes
  • Flashlight & Batteries
  • Radio
  • Telephone
  • Cash and Credit Cards
  • Keys
  • Toys, Books, and Games
  • Important Documents
  • Tools
  • Vehicle fuel tanks filled
  • Pet care items

Ah Crap! I better get a move on this thing! Wait..... where's the inflatable raft on the list? And some idiot forgot about the plywood that we all here on the coast know about. Boy, if you're new to the coastline, you're screwed on that omition!

Okay, as I've said before, I have a somewhat large family by today's standards. After I fill the garage with the 42 gallons of water I need along with all the tin foiled covered MRE's and the rest of the stuff, there will virtually be no living space left in my house to live cause it will be oozing out of the garage and into my living room! Does anyone think about this when making this emergency list?

Hell no, they all live in Colorado!

So I figure I should go ahead and get started on that hurricane-proof bunker I was fantasizing about over the winter. I'm thinking that it should be a live-in 25 x 25 foot bunker that will make the neighbors form a new Home Owners Association just to make me tear the white elephant down. This is where I'm gonna have to enlist the help of some gay designer to spruce up the exterior a bit and make it more acceptable to suburban blight!

I'm not kidding here! I'm telling you that most gay designers have more creativity in their little pinky than I do in my entire body these days. I'm stuck in the middle-aged, brick house, housewife look these days. Hell, when they're through painting the bunker in Flambo Peach, they can come on inside and invent some color like Whipped Rosemary and do a "Queer Eye for the Straight and Homely Look" on my interior walls! If they can take what I have and magically transform it into some modern metro look, I'll proudly slap a sign on my front lawn that says:

I know, I know, that's not gonna go too well down here in the South, especially in one of the most conservative areas in the nation, but I'm a desperate woman here.

So maybe there is something to look forward to this hurricane season; the possibility of getting a first rate designer bunker in my backyard filled with goodies I probably won't need - but might - and painted an obnoxious color that can be seen from the space station, and a complete redone interior to boot.

But what will I do with all those ick barf MRE's?


Draft Queen said...

See, here in the frigid Northeast, we are glued to the Weather Channel ALL YEAR LONG. This is because if you take your eyes off of it, you might miss that last minute change in the forecast that says it's going to rain on account of the fact it is already actually raining.

2-4 inches of snow usually means a foot. A foot means flurries. But I really learned my lesson when I refused to believe the "ice storm" warning and found myself sans power for 4 LONG, FRIGID days.

Stock up, my friend. Weather Channel karma is nothing to fool around with. THEY KNOW you aren't taking them seriously and so they will taunt you.

Rebecca Jones said...

Oh goodness!
I don't know who decided that folks in CO are any kind of weather expert. I live in CO and they can't even forecast the weather around here!

We get forecasts such as "30% chance of snow ranging from 2" to 5" and 50% chance that might double overnight" Seriously, you'd have to be some type of math genius to figure out what your chance of snow is.

So I feel bad that you've got to prepare for hurricanes and even worse that your "experts" are folks from CO!