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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dear Craigslist; I Need A Car



I NEED A VEHICLE TO FIT MY FAMILY OF SIX

I am looking for a reliable vehicle that will fit 6 people, for around $5000. It needs to be in decent shape and not look like it was dragged through Iraq and back, or bombed by insurgents thinking it's a tricked out (Al Queda-style) Humvee. I totally understand dings and worn interior, but destroyed and rusted out - no, not happening. Do not try to Photoshop your image to make it prettier than it is. I do graphics, I can spot "touch-ups", even without my reading glasses on. I know, I like the "band-aid" tool on Photoshop myself - gets rid of all those pesky little wrinkles and blemishes REAL well; even on a car.

Would you please email a picture and some info on what you are selling. I cannot go on your imaginative and clever descriptions alone. I have 4 kids and a husband that occupy what brain cells I have left, so please sellers, I NEED IMAGES.

Please be as honest as you can about the vehicle. Don't tell me it runs great when the engine or transmission is one hiccup away from being complete overhauled or replaced, or falling on the pavement as I leave my driveway. I want to know exactly what needs to be repaired before buying your vehicle.

I know it's used, I know it will need repairs of some sort, I'm not out of touch with reality (just yet); just tell what the problems are and let's get that obstacle of bargaining out of the way. I have kids and do not need to be surprised on the way to Grandmother's house by something you "forgot" to tell me about because you were afraid I wouldn't purchase it; thus leaving me and the kids stranded on some strange interstate while obnoxious truckers honk at us as they whiz by at 90 m.p.h. Not good Karma to pass around these days.

If your vehicle was used for hunting, please remove all blood stains before showing it to me. I want to personally thank the last person who showed me that SUV that I thought was perfect until I opened up the back. My kids are still having nightmares from the ordeal, and I currently can't get any of them to sit in the back of our nice clean van yet. Have you ever tried driving with four kids backed up against your neck while driving to the grocery store? Please people, just clean the damn car a bit before showing it.

Now the list of vehicles I have absolutely no interested in purchasing, seeing, or even talking about:

ANY HONDA VAN
- I have a 2001 Odyssey already and it's given more trouble than any other car I've ever owned. I have been through 2 transmissions, a completely replaced air conditioner/evaporator, 2 power doors components, a completely replaced Navigator unit, and the electrical components on the dash are failing as we speak, and one of the power doors won't close without butt slamming it closed. This van does not even have 95,000 miles on it yet. Oh, and both the transmissions were replaced before the car even hit 65,000 miles; and no, it's never been wrecked (except when my husband "bumped" a yellow pole). Would you like to buy it??? I HAVE HAD IT - DON'T WANT ANOTHER ONE!!

ANY VAN.... PERIOD
- After my Odyssey trip (no pun intended), I have determined that owning a van is bad for me, and bad for my health. Of the two I have previously owned before this - the Ford Windstar's engine blew up at 65,000 miles (I learned first hand why you don't buy ANY van from Ford), and a Plymouth Voyager, which was totaled by a bigger van that hit me and left me with a titanium plate in my neck instead of a disc. I'm quitting the van business while I'm still ahead, still have money left, and am still alive.

IT HAS TO FIT MY FAMILY OF 6
- No, I cannot fit 6 people in a Honda Accord or the like. I have a big family, I love them all, cannot magically turn them into sardines just to go for a drive for an ice cream cone. Would you?

ANY TRUCK
- I do not live on a farm so there is no need for one in my household. Do not have chickens, livestock, dead animals, or motorcycles to haul; just kids and groceries, and what I find on Craigslist that fancies me. On the occasion I do buy a farm, I will be happy to look at it then. Till then, keep on truckin.... on.

ANYTHING THAT'S BEEN THROUGH A FLOOD, OR FLIPPED AND REPAIRED
- Me female, but me not stupid. I have a highly skilled and trained mechanic that was also doing side work as a secret agent in another country. I am sworn to secrecy in order to protect the identity of this person. He/she has seen everything, and will spot it out for me in a second. Our lives could be put in danger if you pull a fast one on me. SO CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED AND DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SELL ME ONE OF THESE VEHICLES!!

ANYTHING THAT HAS TO BE TOWED HOME AFTER PURCHASE
- May I remind you that I have children. They find it socially unacceptable for their friends to see them riding in a car that has to be towed while dropping them off a school. I cannot have you ruining my children's lives by suggesting that we purchase a vehicle that needs to be towed in order to get around in it.

NOW, TO THE "SELLERS/SCAMMERS" WHO OFFER TO SHIP A CAR TO ME
- HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! - Go Get A Life - I only do local buying, not idiot buying. Look elsewhere if you're looking for gullible sale (can you even pronounce that word where you come from?).


Okay, I think that's it. If you think you have something I could use, please feel free to email me. I will contact you as soon as my kids stop either oogling or laughing over the pictures you have sent of your car.

Thanks!

2 comments:

melissa said...

i need a car too! i'll sell you my honda pilot...2003. my kids are too big for it! i need a suburban or expedition or something. or, i need to get rid of a kid or two!!
xo

Tara R. said...

Remind me to take you with me the next time I purchase a vehicle. I bet no one gets a thing past you. Happy car hunting!