Monday, March 16, 2009



At least it would mine!

Like every freaking mom on the planet, I don't have enough time in the day to do everything I need to do. Because of this, I have just a few quick suggestions to some of you child prodigies, overpaid corporate R&D types, and some of you up and coming inventors of the strange and weird, who might want to make an easy buck off some of our tired, old, saggy or perky (I hate you), asses.

These are just a few of my motherly time-saving ideas that I have had while chasing a naked baby all over the yard, arguing with my tween daughter over the correct color coordination of clothing (no brown and white polka dots DO NOT go with blue and white vertical stripes), or reminding my son that McDonald's still has not gone organic yet in this century. Oh, and feel free to comment with a few of your own clever ideas - this needs to become a movement.

  • I request that the dental association lower the brushing time from two minutes to 45 seconds. Why, because I am tired of brushing and flossing while chasing my three year old who, once again has stolen my organic makeup (it is NOT cheap), and is smearing it on her as she runs. It would also help the kids out in the morning before school. Apparently, a hour and a half is still not enough time for them to get ready. If they just can't reduce that time, then at least give us moms a super sonic toothbrush that does the job at 90 m.p.h, and that flosses at the same time while squirting that anti-gingivitis/bad breath minty shit in our mouths as well.

  • Mr Clean's Magic Erasers are TOO SMALL! We need something that is larger than the mini pad we use every month! We have BIG jobs that need a BIGGER eraser than you produce these days. After scrubbing "washable" markers (yeah, right!) and crayon marks off the walls every week, I'm left with nothing but white foosies and I'm still haven't finished! Please make these things bigger cause our kids are figuring bigger ways to make messes and you are NOT keeping up with them.

  • Clothing designers should limit clothing color to just black, white, and tan. This limits the time spent standing in front of our closets trying to figure out what the hell to wear for the fourth time during the day after being spit up on, dirt smeared on, or having a bad case of hormones! Throwing in a few colors like coral (which is nothing but a fancy pink, so I don't know why they have to confuse us further), or chartreuse (like I wanna wear a color named after a liqueur). I want simple, and 52 different colors to choose from does not make life easier. There is no time left over to color coordinate shoes, makeup and handbags with 4 kids and an impatient husband standing at my bedroom door whining "aren't you done yeeeet?" This also applies to all shoes and children's clothing too. This eliminates unprepared for meltdowns between the pink tu-tu and the Hello Kitty dress, or the blue and white vertical stripes with brown and white polka dots.

  • We are in the 21st Century so washers and dryers should now be made so they can handle a whole weeks worth of laundry in one stinking load! Just imagine all the time we could save there! Make those clothes above so that they don't run and we don't need to worry about anything bleeding.... period!

OH MY GOD! I can't believe I just said that; HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!


  • This one is reeeally important folks. I want someone to invent a shower that works JUST LIKE a freaking car wash. I want to be showered, shaved, and blow dried in five minutes flat! I am tired of having to jump out of a shower wet to chase that same three year old down who just swiped my body wash and likes to pour as she runs. This is why I buy Suave. Plus, I am tired of waking up at the crack of dawn just to get a decent shower in that actually HAS hot water!

  • Thank God they made the "Roomba" for complete hands-free vacuuming. Even though I don't HAVE one yet, they are still a great invention for us moms, and when the economy gets back to normal in about five years, I'll be the first in line to get one. But where's it's bloody mopping equivalent? I want a hands-free mop that comes complete with heavy duty floor scrubbers that can handle that week old bubble gum that blended in with the floor so well that I didn't see until the cat was whining because he got stuck in it and I had to scrape it off the floor and then apply freaking peanut butter on a squirming cat to get it off his paw, which resulted in a slash above my lip!. Ungrateful freaking kitty! It should also leave a was job so sparkling that I can have a handy mirror at my disposal anywhere I walk.... or slide in the house so I can make sure I am still color coordinated to Madison Avenue's standards.

  • Another important one: I want a trash chute that is designed like the deposit chute at our drive-thru bank. This eliminates unnecessary begging and pleading of someone... ANYONE - to take out the stinky-assed garbage. Just insert the overflowing bag into the handy-dandy chute (your choice of designer colors of course), and watch the puppy get sucked right into the garbage can... WHA-LA! Now if I can just get someone to invent something to take to the street every Monday morning.

  • I want a refrigerator that will tell ME what's for dinner based on what little I have left inside it. I want it to give me a 30 minute, Anthony Bourdain-style gourmet meal from the 3-day old leftovers that I still have sitting in it. And it better be good cause I have the most finicky kids on the planet and I don't need to be adding MORE uneaten leftovers to a refrigerator that does nothing more than keep it cool for another three days. If we're gonna shell out $1000 for oversized ice cube container, make the damn things more useful will ya!

  • Here's a stretch - how about a "mom's only" lane on the freeway? Some of you may not realize, but we mom's are a very busy bunch. We have:

groceries to buy,
calls to make and receive regarding PTA meetings and such,
school conferences to attend,
errands to run between conferences,
dry cleaning to haul,
forgotten school supplies to deliver,
husbands to-do list to decipher and complete,
unexpected vomit to clean our of car which leads to,
unexpected doctors and pharmacy visits,
carpools to juggle,
carpools to run over,
violin lessons to attend - or not,
soccer and baseball practices to haul ass to,

and we need to do these as EFFICIENTLY - AS - POSSIBLE!

We do not have time for some old geezer or first-time student driver thinking it's okay to do 20 in a 55 m.p.h., zone, or trying to maneuver around people who think that the passing lanes actually means "slow your ass down to a crawl".

  • Last, but not least, if we are going to be forced to eat fast food because of our constant time crunches, can some of you corporate giants manage to squeeze a little organic variety into your menus. My kids a like a quick burger like the next kid, but I'm tired of the endless guilt of feeding them hormone laden, chemically induced, antibiotic laced, mad cow maybe-maybe not, beef and chicken. I tend to stick to an organic menu at home, I expect you guys to do the same now that we are in a NEW millennium. WE have broaden our intellect on food, why can't you?

Okay, I think that's it for the day, but I'm sure I'll have plenty more before the month is over. Mom's lives are ever-evolving, so your products need to change with us as well when we tell you to change them. We hold the checkbook (does anyone use that anymore?), the debit AND credit card(s), ALL the passwords to the every freaking bank account in our households, and the names addresses of all the important people we need to contact who make mommie products! Also remember, we are bringing up your future employees or COMPETITORS and we will teach them which one mommie does or doesn't like. And ass we all know, moms have invented just about EVERYTHING that has common sense written on it.

Except, maybe..... for that Barney dinosaur thingy on TV.

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