Sunday, September 12, 2010

New "Pool" Rules

So since getting the pool cleaned, painted, filled, and shocked; I got back on my kids favorite list. That is until I made my "Pool Rules". You know, the ones that take all the fun out of playing in the pool for your kids because "Safety Mom" came out again.

Kids just don't get that this is a concrete pool, not that plastic blow up contraption that you bought on a whim while zipping through WallyWorld for a gallon of milk and a box of Swiss Rolls cause your kids were driving you crazy because we didn't have a pool like "other" people.

We were living at the freaking beach! WHY did we need a pool?

Yeah, it would have helped to have one during that whole oil spill saga.

Just one question: How many of you have filled that pool up and it always sits lop-sided even on flat land? You know that one where the sides come up as you fill it. Yeah, that one! You had to fill it in such a way that the water wouldn't run out one side starting a flood on *that side* of the yard that eventually turns into a giant mudhole because of it!.

The one where you had to scream at your kids, "NO, DON"T get in on THAT side!" Then they do, then the water starts pouring out, then you have to waste dump more water into than you thought, and this is where they start whining.... again:

"MOM! When dooooo we get an in-ground pool like the neighbors have?"

"Well kids, we had to move one state away, but now we have one and it has rules attached to it as well. Take it or leave it!."

"WHAT rules?", my inquisitive little bunnies ask with such regret oozing from their faces.

"THESE rules.", I say with a *you're not gonna like this* smile on my face.

"By the way kids, when you get in that pool, I cease to be your mother/friend/towel *boy*; I become your Lifeguard. This means when the whistle blows - YOU have messed with the *Pool Rules*, and may be subject to an automatic five minute timeout."

Talk about four truly pissed off faces.

With all that out in the open, these have become the rules:

Rule # 1:

No running, pushing, shoving, or even looking at one another while in or around the pool.

You are kids, you will take full advantage of making sure something like this gets completely out of control and one, or all of you, will end up in the ER. I still have ER bills that need paying on; can't afford more at the moment. When said ER bills are paid off, then I will allow you to look at one another again while in/around the pool. The other rules stick though; this is why your father is grounded from the pool for the next week because he consistently ignored the Lifeguard blowing her lungs out with the whistle.

Rule #2:

The pool is a pool and not an outdoor bathtub.

Just because you got in three times today does not mean it becomes a substitution to taking a shower/bath. You still have the same dirt in your hair that you had after you went swimming three times today. You're dirty, now go take a bath!

Rule #3:

The pool is not a bathtub.

In lieu of Rule #2, just because you think it's cool or your Barbies told you to do it, you canNOT take a bath IN the pool. There is delicate balance of chemicals meant to keep the pool clean till it burns your eyes out, so soap suds from your favorite bath gel of the month will disturb this delicate balance. I have no desire to drain the pool, clean off the soap suds, then spend a gazillion dollars refilling it again just because YOUR Barbies said they wanted to take a bath in MY pool.

Rule #4:

Use only certified Pool Toys in the pool:

There are pool toys and there are lawn toys. Do NOT get the two confused. It is NOT a good idea to redecorate by putting patio chairs in the pool because you want to have a tea party under water. You are NOT Mermaids; and no Julian, it is not a good idea to ride the bike underwater.

Rule #5:

Cleaning the Pool is an adults responsibility.

I do not; I repeat DO NOT want to see anyone trying to clean up the tree debris from the bottom of the pool with my vacuum cleaner or trying to *make* pool cookies from the chlorine tabs!

Rule #6:

Do NOT Pee in the Pool!

I will tell you the same lie the lifeguards told us at our community pool: "If you pee in the pool, I will be forced to add a chemical to the pool that turns red around you when it comes in contact with urine. Then everyone will know who pee'd in the pool. I pay good money for those toilets in the house, now use THEM"

*Note* - I caught Nia peeing behind the tree the other day because of this last rule. Of course, I laughed hysterically.

Rule #7:

We are NOT the community pool:

Even though the community pool has closed down for the reason, this does not mean all four of you can invite unlimited amount of friends over for a swim after school. I have neither that many pool chemicals or enough medication to handle that amount of crazy people children in the pool. Friends can come on the weekends with proof they can swim and perform CPR to me, if needed, when all of you break the rules.

Rule #8:

No food in the pool.

The bugs like it when you eat in the pool, but the filter does not. Plus, lasagna does not blend well with the ice blue color we painted in the pool. Yes, M&M's do bleed their colors in the pool, but the chocolate makes it look like doo-doo on the bottom. So do Baby Ruth's, except they float. We do not need to create mass hysteria by eating your snacks in the pool.

Rule #9:

Wear only bathing suits in the pool.

Just because you can swim is not justification for wearing school clothes in the pool because you're "too tired" to put on your swimsuit. That said, no skinny dipping in the pool either. I do not care if the pool is in our own private backyard; get your freaking swimsuit on cause I saw you naked enough when you were babies!

Rule #10:

No jumping from various obstacles around the house into the pool.

The top of the house, nor the brick wall are not regulation diving boards. Therefore, do not use them as a diving apparatus. As in Rule #1, allow me to finish paying off ER bills before we start new ones. Plus, this idiotic choice will ban you from the pool..... for life! Do NOT listen to your Uncle Michael if he says it's ok - it's not!

Now kids, make sure you slather on two bottles of sunscreen - don't forget your nose.... and ears.... yeah, your eyelids too. Make sure you wear your full body life vests over your full body UV A&B protected swimsuits. I don't care if you do know how to swim, I'm paranoid and that's the only way you'll get in the pool.

The pool has been safely padded with that government approved 12 inch thick pool rim padding; be careful not to touch it. I have also added 20 government approved pool *toys* so that you will have a life preserve within reach at any time. Don't complain, you have at least two feet of swimming space per person.

Please allow 10 minutes rest time between every five minutes you swim. You don't want to get cramps do you?

Most of all, enjoy your last few months of the swim season my dears. Just remember, we are NOT turning the pool into an ice skating rink because Barbie requested it.