Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Ode to Easter Vacation

Took the kids to see the grandparents and the uncles this past week to end their half-boring and uneventful Spring Break on an up note. Thank God for Nana's and Uncles!

Gas for trip: $35.00

Food for four bottomless pits: $50.00

Useless Chachkas along the way: $100.00 (because I'm a complete moron in this department!)

Number of pitstops: 8

Free Entertainment from the biological family: Completely Stinking Priceless!

Of course it's Easter Weekend and I, the one who wins most "Mommie Awards" for forgetting absolutely everything, completely forgot about Easter Egg hunts. I cannot tell how much last minute running around I did hunting down cheap plastic eggs to fill with useless candy that would melt long before my kids would find it! Wal-Mart's was even sold out of the things! WAL-MART'S!

I was left stuffing some Easter pails with goodies and Nadia came up with the bright idea of the girls searching for those in the half-football sized yard of my brothers house. The candy would definitely be melted by then.

Much to my surprise, it took Toni and Nia exactly one minute to make a beeline for those buckets on Sunday. They were happy; I was off the hook for my major faux pas in the Easter Egg department, and the candy survived the near 90 degree heat in Alabama.

**I'm making a mental note to myself as I write that this should not happen prior to the girl's birthdays this summer.
I might not make it out alive!
If I do, I will not have limbs attached!**

I must say that my oldest brother, Mike, has an uncanny way of wearing kids out along with my ever-fabulous brother Bob (who has the patience of God when me and my kids are camped out all throughout his house!), until they fall into a coma. I think it was the 3 1/2 hours of frisbee toss he put them through on Sunday that did it. I have never heard Toni snore louder, and that doesn't make for good sleeping when she's doing it 2 inches from my ear while Nia is doing it 3 inches from my other ear. Yes, my little girls thought it was also a good idea to sleep completely on top of me every single night we were there.

I not only need a massage therapist, but a few chiropractors and acupuncturist to put my back and neck back into something that doesn't resemble me walking like the "Hunchback of Notre Dame"!

Why do kids want to do that? Don't they realize that the reason we are eating a bowl of nails with milk on top with our morning coffee is that we couldn't sleep with their big toe up our nose or their constant drooling on our foreheads all night long - for three bloody nights in a row!

I constantly have John Lennon singing "I'm Sooooo Tired", in my head today as I'm on my second pot of coffee before 2 pm.

But like all us moms (unless one is completely brain dead or heavily medicated), we LOVE it when the extended family watches our kids while we take a much needed permanent sit-in rest on a shaded back porch with our drinks of choice!

My brother tried to "feed me" a bourbon and coke one day at around noon. I never told him, but I don't drink before 9 pm, and I cannot stand bourbon! Therefore, after one sip, it was down the kitchen drain. God bless him for trying to help my sanity, but I usually don't lose that until.... 9 pm! That's when I headed for the Shiraz he had stashed in the kitchen corner.

The kids were an absolute joy though during this trip. The hubs says it's only because they are not at home and have to be on their best behavior. I kinda disagree because they were having so much fun between one outdoor activity and socializing with 4 other adults other than me, that they didn't have time to think about misbehaving.

They were particularly thrilled to be meeting my oldest brother for the first time (long story, maybe we'll discuss one day), so the girls spent the first couple of days following him around and watching from around corners of doors at what he would be doing. Toni completely took over his little dog; her name was Daisy.

Daisy finally took to being Nia's "watchdog" as she disappeared around corners of the house outside and the dog took to barking her brains out when Nia did; chasing her down to convince her to come back to the thralls of the rest of the family piled on the back porch.

I also enjoyed the fact that I could take a little rest from feeding my crew as Mike took over cooking duties while we were there. Contrary to popular belief, Southern men can cook! Ever fried French Toast? He does! Now try adding whipped creme cheese, raspberry preserves, accented with chocolate, REAL maple syrup, and a hint of of butter.

Eat that and you will have 1 billion VERY happy fat cells!

He cooked, I cleaned, the dogs followed me around taunting me to "drop" food on the floor for them to clean up.

It was a true family visit!

Even complete with a last minute brawl between my father, Mike, and me. My father never misses an opportunity to jab one of his "comments" at one of/or both of us; thus producing a good old fashioned family fight that leaves half of us feeling like shit, and a slew of colorful expletives flying all around like the same thick green pollen we've been snorting for the past few days!

But what would family be without one?!

"The more life changes, the more things stay the same";
family fights are no exception!

We were thinking he just might a candidate for a old folks home afterwards. Do they have any in..... Cuba?

No, just kidding - maybe not - no really, I'm kidding.

As all family visits go, it all ended with hugs and kisses, and well wishes. Weeeellllll..... at least for the kids it was. The rest of us were still quite disgusted with my dad, but I still gave him a hug because after all, he IS 80 years old and he's not working with a full deck of brain cells these days! How would YOU feel if YOUR kids recently took your car keys away from you, and sold your car because you can't tell if the light is red or green anymore?

I drove home with a carload of happy, but tired kids. Since it's almost that time of the month, I was still feeling bloated as I drove home, plus, somewhere along the way I picked up a hemorrhoid that I swear was the size of a baseball that I had to sit on all the way home.

Dang those things itch!

Well stop grossing out already! What do you expect after birthing four watermelons! It's life - deal with it!

While I was gone, the hubs stated that he was going to "clean the house" while we were gone. I came home to the living room nice and neat and attractively rearranged.

The rest of the house looked like a freaking frat party went on and the lawn was half... half mowed!

You know what I'll be doing for the rest of the week?.........

Sleeping in my closet with my stash of chocolate!