Friday, August 21, 2009

4 Year Old Becomes Demonically Possessed After Seeing Barbie!

Contrary to popular belief, children's temper tantrums do NOT isolate themselves in the 2-3 year old stage. Oh no, not in the least. I learned yesterday that all it took was Barbie to turn my usually happy-go-lucky, joyful, laughing 4 year old daughter into something that mirrored Linda Blair's character in the Exorcist.

I'm serious here - no exaggeration needed! The only thing she didn't do was manage to get her head to twist completely around; but it could have happened!

It all started when I decided to take Nia and Toni to Blockbuster to get them a movie for the night. My rule was: "Both of you must agree to the same movie or no movie at all. I am not getting two movies tonight."

Simple... right?

Well it seemed so after about five minutes of them deciding between three different Barbie movies: Rapunzel, Swan Lake, and Barbie Diaries. They both eventually decided on Rapunzel in between playtime on the children's vanity that Blockbuster had set up in the kids video section of the store.

"We are here for a video girls, not a make over.", I kept repeating as they ooh and aahed over themselves in the fake half-peeling mirror.

Why does Blockbuster have a tacky plastic vanity in the middle of their store anyway????

So everything seemed rather simple and cool, right? Oh hell no! Suddenly Nia whipped around the corner and saw the Barbie Fairytopia that she has already seen a mind numbing 20 times and spontaneously decided THAT was the movie we were getting. Toni quietly protested and tried to stick to the original deal. Nia protested even louder to the point she decided it was time for a Lennon-Ono style "sit in" in the middle of the video store and threw her shoes off her feet and started that shrill-filled whining that every stinking mom hates: "All I want, is Fairytopia!"

Authoritarian Mom replaced Good-Time Mommie in a flash and started the "I'm gonna give you three warnings...", mantra.

God I hate doing that!

Nia up'd the anty - she wouldn't budge. When I went to pick her up, she started that kicking, and yelling her "Leave me alone!", mantra back at me. But I still picked her up and went to the front to pay for my video I wanted to watch that night. She was kicking and screaming and really starting to have a fit over fucking Barbie Fairytopia and it was making it near impossible to swipe my card through the machine and get outta there!

As I was leaving the store, Nia thought it quite appropriate to wipe the counters clean with her frantic tantrum-flailing arms and legs as we were exiting between those pain in the ass anti-theft panels. Down come the little Video-Of-The-Month magazines and some brochures, or something like it, and the freaking microwave popcorn singles that I just happen to forget about purchasing cause I'm trying to wrestle this gorilla in my arms out to my BMW.

"Sorry Blockbuster salesclerk lady. Just take the minimum wage your making and put it on my rental bill and we'll just call it even, okay?"

The sweat started beading on my forehead.

When we got to the BMW, Nia promptly began screaming to the top of her lungs and bracing all fours against the car so it was near impossible to get her in at that point.

I, on the other hand, looked as if I was abducting a child and forcing her into my car. It wasn't a pretty scene.

I vowed to remain calm - cool I could not since it was very humid and the sweat at this point was pouring off of both of us.

Toni got in the car and didn't say a word.

I sat facing Nia for over an hour while that child screamed, tried to pull my pierced dangling earring out of my ear, got so mad that her eyeballs literally turned red and her face turned purple and she... she....


She SPIT in my face!!! (That was suppose to be the green shit that Linda Blair spit out!)

I STILL vowed to remain calm!

I finally got her to realize that she was NOT getting her video after all, based on her current behavior. I explained that we were going home now and that she was getting a time out.

Again, you have to repeat this shit three times because that's what all the parenting books say work. I was repeating it no less than 15-20 times at this point.

Nia responded by refusing to let me buckle her seat belt in. She's in one of those booster seat thingy's and NOT in the lock-em-in car seat of yester-year.

NOTE TO SELF: Make sure baby car seat is in trunk in case of future exorcist meltdowns.

I can't just lock her in like before, she has to be willing to keep the seatbelt buckled. It ain't happening here. I'm tired of explaining, demanding, and being borderline Meanie Mommie. I am about to hit threat mode - Level 1000 Style!

She suddenly reaches up after my telling her we are sitting in the parking lot until she is willing to keep that seatbelt on, and grabs my sunglasses off my head and throws them back in my face.

What the F........!!!!!

Her face turns purple again and I suddenly and seriously start contemplating taking her to the ER right down the road (we're on first name basis now), and having her sedated.

The kid was seriously freaking me out now!! What was I suppose to think?

Then comes the maternal low blow: "Nia, if you do not get that seat belt on, then I will be forced to call a police officer and have him remind you that you HAVE to put that seat belt on."

I reached for my iPhone and she reaches over and smacks it, sending it flying past Toni into the floorboard in the front seat.

I'm really thinking of having her sedated now, or either breaking down in tears over this whole episode because I HAVE NEVER read anything that would ever prepare me for this. My wonderful little girl has literally turned into a living demonic-possessed entity right in front of my eyes!

I'm trying to be calm, and it's taking every ounce of energy and emotion in me to do so. Nia and I both are drenched in sweat now even though my archaic BMW's A/C is pushing out all the cool air it can muster.

After a few more kicks, an attempted biting, a few hair pulls (mine, of course), and a punch or two, 1 1/2 hours later, we are finally headed home as fast as I can legally drive.

Did I dare mention that Toni forgot to close her door and I had to pull over shortly after leaving the parking lot before I had Toni rolling in the road on top of all of his?

All I said to Nia when we got home is "Go to your room. YOU are in a VERY long time out!" I was shaking and Nadia and Julian instantly could tell by my face that whatever happened must have been bad. Nadia said I was pale as a ghost.

I WAS pale as a ghost cause I had just been in the presence of DEMONIC SPIRIT for almost two hours! It was actually very hard emotionally cause Nia has had tantrums, but never on this level - not even close.

Fuck You Barbie! That's all I can say about that. cause she's the one that started all this in the first place!

Nia willingly stayed in her room for about an hour cause frankly, she had completely exhausted herself from this tantrum. When she finally emerged just before dinner, she just walked over to me and looked up at me with those big brown, tear-filled eyes and said: "Mommie, I'm reeeeally sorry.", and then buried her little head into my legs and wrapped those little arms as far around me as she could.

I started to cry... really cry. I bent down and we just hugged for a really long time.

I have no stinking idea who that kid was that I came home from the video store with, but this little girl at my feet was my Nia - the only child I've ever met that can find absolute joy in the littlest things in life.

That is unless Barbie Fairytopia is involved!


Tara R. said...

Wow! I was right there with you. My heart is pounding a mile a minute.

That had to be scary for both of you. Sounds like you handled it the best you could. I would have lost it and been a crying hot mess.

Draft Queen said...

I have been there. You have all my sympathies.

Nowadays I just get a "I hate you Mom! You are the worst ever!" out of my darling daughter.

To which I reply (with a smile) "I love you too, Princess."

Stacey said...

I don't think I would have been able to get through that without losing it and sitting on the ground crying myself! I'd have needed the sedation! LOL! *hugs* to you for getting through that!

Brenda said...

I've never posted on your blog, but this one really struck home with me! I'm amazed at how well you handled this whole situation! I think I would have lost it and thrown my own temper tantrum! :-)

My daughter is now 11 and still has what we call "meltdowns" over what seems like the most trivial of things. It baffles me at how my loving, sweet daughter can turn into a completly different person in a matter of seconds. But I'm beginning to relate it to either being overly tired or hungry. Of course I'm sure that hormones will also begin playing a role in the drama - oh the fun!