Monday, March 30, 2009

Would anyone care for Squid and Eggs with a side of hormones?

This has been a most bizarre morning. I swear when I became a mother, I wasn't prepared for half the crap I go through sometimes. You read about this stuff in parenting magazines and think, "Oh my God!", and it's funny as hell until it happens to you.

It didn't help that I had a severe case of insomnia last night. I mean I didn't get to sleep until the sun starting popping it's head up this morning and those freaking morning birds start yakking outside the window. I was up all night pacing floors, watching TV, meditating, taking herbs, drinking milk; just about anything to raise my melatonin to an appropriate level to, say... COMA level! Wouldn't happen.

My mind was racing about everything, including these stupid videos my husband was watching last night regarding the types of WORMS people get. He's an acupuncturist and he's gotta know these things; but does he have to make ME watch!? Do you know how disgusting it is to watch some guy having pinworms, brain worms, or whatever the hell they were - coming out of the pores of his face! I was sure I was gonna have nightmares; but insomnia! Sometimes I really hate his profession.

I go to bed thinking I can meditate myself to sleep and about five minutes after laying down, here comes Nia. She has had the habit of crawling into bed with us at night for some time now. I don't really discourage her cause she's only three and soon she'll think she's too big of a girl to sleep with mommy and daddy. She's my last, so we allow it. But she's particularly wiggly and this further hampers any ability to fall asleep. I'm having flashbacks of many sleepless nights after the twins were born. So off to the couch I go.

So there I am with my pillows and wool blanket; it was a bit cold last night after all the storms we've had. I turn on the TV and try to find something extra boring to coax my brain cells to stop function for just a few hours - the NEWS. Larry King was discussing GM and all it's crap again, which I am so freaking tired of hearing, and Nancy Grace was on another tirade over the "Tot Mom" trial in Miami. Again, tired of hearing and not into child trials. Ahhh, Soap Operas! These bore me to tears these days, so it was a good start. After a hour and a half of All My Children, and putting the cat out at 5 am, I'm ready to snuggle.

It seems like I just fell asleep when I am awoken by someone rambling in the kitchen making coffee. It must be Julian because he wanted to get up early this morning and go fishing. I'm caught now in that area between awake and asleep when I feel the grumpies coming on. It doesn't help that it's that time of the month and renegade hormones are having a serious party in my body.

Soon Nia is awake and crawling all over me, when I realize that I haven't heard Julian leave for the pier yet. So I resign myself to get up, grab a cup of coffee, and search for him. He's in bed!

"Julian, aren't you going fishing? Get up and go cause you don't have much time left." I say, because I just passed the clock and it's already 8:30.

"Well dad got up and made me go back to bed", he says half groggily while turning over.

"Nope, get up and get ready or you won't have any time before we go to the movies this afternoon", I repeat and remembering the fiasco that happened yesterday when Kurt suddenly announced that we weren't going to the movies until today. So the boy better get up and get going!

So Julian drags himself up and makes a quick breakfast while the rest of the crew is crawling out from under their peaceful slumbers that I DIDN'T HAVE LAST NIGHT!

I'm feeling a headache starting to come on. Is it from lack of sleep, hormones, or both? Who cares! I'm heading for the Percogesic anyway. Nadia is finally up and now laying on the sofa. She is not a morning person. It takes her a good hour before she's functioning, but my husband is in the mood to have everyone function as soon as their eyes are open today. I instinctively know that this is not gonna turn out pretty.

"Nadia get up and get dressed and get some breakfast", he barks as if some drill sergeant in the army. She resists, he barks a little louder - no a LOT louder. She stomps off in a huff and then suddenly I hear a ear splitting scream from her.


I cannot emphasize enough how loud this child was. The entire Asian continent heard her scream, I know. I already know before anyone says anything what Nadia is shrieking to the top of her lungs about.

See, a couple of days ago, Nadia and her friend Emily found a baby birds egg laying on the ground at the foot of a rather large palm tree in our front yard. Knowing they couldn't climb up to put it back, Nadia brought it to me and I painstakingly helped her make a small nest and create a warm environment so it could hatch. Nadia took it on as her own personal baby. She carefully turned the egg each day, and checked on it like, well...... a mother would check on her own child. I reminded her to keep her door closed (we have a child proof door knob to keep you-know-who-out), but Nadia forgot to close it when she woke up this morning.

The "midget" got to it.

I turned to Nia and asked her "where's the egg Nia?"

"Stop it mom - don't look at me!", she says with a scowl. I already know she's gotten it, and it's - gone!

"Nia, where is Nadia's bird egg? Did you go and take it from her room?", I say with a element of sleep deprived impatience in my tone.

"Stop it mom - don't talk to me!" she says while running for her bedroom.

I'm hoping that she hasn't squashed it yet and that she just has it safely hidden, but my own motherly instincts, and experience, still tell me that it's been poked to death by her little fingers of inquisitiveness. I open the door to her room and she's quick to slam it back closed in a hasty get-away - on my fingers! I manage to open the door again and there she sits, on the bed with the covers over her head. Guilt is reeking off of this child as I firmly plea for her to tell me where the egg is while holding onto my throbbing right hand.

She ain't talking, Nadia is crying like someone stabbed her to death, Kurt is now yelling at Julian cause he's burnt the oatmeal because he was staring at the TV instead, and Toni, well she's intelligently decided to simply ignore all of us this morning. Smart girl!

I'm too tired and too impatient to deal with cross examining Nia, so I turn my attention to Nadia as Kurt is yapping to her from the kitchen that it was "just an egg", while still scolding Julian over burnt breakfast.

Mommy wanted to slap daddy at that moment.

Could he not see that it was Nadia's maternal instinct crying out for her child that had been kidnapped by the rabid curiosity of a three year old? Where was his compassion - his understanding? He's more focused on burnt oatmeal than his daughters mourning over her "first child". I wanted to get mad, but half my brain is still asleep and I am only function on one cup of coffee through this. Or either I'm making mountains out of molehills. Either which, I can't tell the difference right now.

So Kurt decides to send Julian out fishing with Toni to eliminate some of the friction that has escalated to an all-high level this morning. Off they all go, to the garage to gather the fishing supplies and equipment. About five minutes later, another crisis hits the garage, the kitchen, and part of the house.

Julian has left his squid sitting in his bait bucket for three freaking days in the garage instead of putting it back in the freezer as I have instructed him to do more times than I can remember. When he opens the lid to that bucket, the stench literally hits the garage and the interior of the house connected to it, like a huge fishy stink bomb exploding!

Kurt and Toni come running into the house sporting a few shades of green and looking like they are ready to lose the contents of their breakfast on the just mopped, kitchen floor. Julian must have passed out from it because it takes him a while before he shows his guilty face at my wrath of judgment.

Everything that I have gathered for the upcoming yard sale is in that garage: sofa, clothes, pillows, massage tables, and stuffed toys are blanketed in a thick fog of three day old fish! The smell of rancid squid has now permeated all of it. HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA SELL IT NOW!!

"Hi would like to buy a colorful red sofa that gives that "just been to the beach" feeling every time you curl up on it?" I THINK NOT!!!

So I'm out there with my bottle - make that two bottles - of Febreeze, spraying that shit all over everything and it still smells like squid. At least it's "allergin-free" now! I'm out there for a good half hour spraying after Kurt puts up the fan and the garage door hoping it will just "blow away" that stench soon. I can tell the garage door is gonna be sitting wide-assed open for the next week so we can air this stuff out.

I can also tell that I need a four-shot cafe latte to get me through the rest of this morning.

So I head to Starbucks and right after I get in the van, there it is again. That damn squid smell. It has NOW leaked in the car. The car is parked right at the garage door. So when it was opened, it encased my entire car with a full blast of noxious fishy fumes. All the windows were lowered down soon after I got in, and I would have driven with both sliding doors open, but flip flops, Barbie's and booster seats would have been flying out the sides. It was already hard enough driving safely with my head fully stuck out the drivers window while trying to gasp for air at the same time, without worrying about accidents being caused by Butterfly Barbie.

I'm gonna get that boy when I get home. No! I imagine that I'll just break all his fishing gear in a crazy mother-fit of anger than makes all the neighbors run and hide in their cellars while calling the cops that a crazy lady is loose throwing fishing gear and tackle boxes, and smelly squid all over the front yard.

I get back home, get the last of the Febreeze and squirt the car down - no I SOAK the car down with the last of the bottle. Then I grab the refill and start squirting again. I go back towards the house and notice the bait bucket on the ground next to the garage door. Even though the squid is gone, the bucket is still oozing that smell and it's heading right back into the garage.

"JULIAN!!!", I scream this time. Everyone else has been screaming so I figure I should join in on all the fun we're having now.

"JULIAN, get your butt out here with a bottle of bleach and clean that bait bucket out PRONTO!", I yell a little more. I'm sure the neighbors are getting just a little bit curious themselves over what all the hoopla is about at our house.

He's giving me that guilty, sheepish-like, little boy look cause he knows he's been bad. I look over my sunglasses at him and let him know in a matter-of-fact way, that the smell is NOW in my car. He's looking a little more guilty. I think the smell is getting to as well because he's got that green shade coming on himself.

Nadia is still in the house crying over the bird egg as Kurt suddenly produces the "remains" of the egg. I don't even want to know where the rest of it is - can't handle anymore - don't want to know.

My house smells like dead fish, there is a dead bird yolk somewhere in the house, I've had absolutely NO sleep, and everyone has gone completely nuts in my family, including me.

Except Toni. For once, she has minded her own business, kept to herself and decided that life is best left to watching "The Backyardigans" instead of engaging with a bunch of half-crazed idiots this morning. It is about that moment that she decides to open a new area of conversation.

"Mom, what's wrong with the cat?", she asks with a worried look on her face.

"I don't know, what's wrong with Remi?", I curiously ask back.

She picks him up and shows me his back paw. Poor Remi has stepped on something while outside, and has a big cut on the bottom of his back paw, and he's limping around. How did I miss this? Oh yeah, I was focused on dead fish and a dead bird egg.

Before noon has even hit my plate has been full with:

  • Insomnia and hormones
  • Dead bird saga
  • Squid-scented house, garage, and van
  • Injured cat

I have sent the "family" off to the movies. I am taking another Percogesic and heading off for a much needed nap. But before I go; can anyone tell me how to rid the garage of that SMELL?


Tara R. said...

Wow... that is all from ONE day? I think you're the one, not me, who needs a vacation. Hope the week gets better.

Gondooo said...

Oh Dear! LOL I'm with Tara here, pack your bags woman! I'll meet ya somewhere in paradise (a hormone and child free paradise that is) cuz I need a break as well. And this is only just the beginning of Easter Break. Did I just say Easter? Oh Gawd, my age is showing!
Hope today is better for ya.