Saturday, February 07, 2009

Our Cassanova wanna-be

Do any of you have a male cat? We do: Remi; he's part Himalayan and part whatever. He actually looks Siamese, but he's a mutt cat; a whatever, furry little thing with four legs, a tail, and furry brown balls. He's Remi; he's our 5th child; our baby boy.

But we cat lovers - we love our cats and the way they snuggle and purr in our ears. The way they come into our bedrooms at night a cozy up to our pillows next to us as we sleep, only waking us up enough to let us know they are there with us. We love the way the rub back and forth on our legs, showing how much they appreciate us. We love them until....... they "come of age" and start spraying the shit out of your home and furniture. One day their cute, the next day they are Satan (I swear those ears are really horns in disguise now).

Now if you haven't had your male cat neutered before the age of 6 months, then you're in for a real treat when he's reached that age that he wants to roam. It's in their DNA, you know. When they wanna go find that female cat and their not neutered, there is nothing on God's green earth you can do to stop their hormonal bellows of need. There is your gentle and demure, meuuuw, and then there is your MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWW that roars from the hollows of their furry little loins when their hormones kick in.

Remi has always been quite mild mannered and fun. Every since he was a kitten, he reminded us a bit of a dog because he always wanted to play chase, fetch a stick, and would run after, and jump for a ball when tossed around the back yard. These charming qualities that made us quickly fall in love with him when he was little have followed him into his adolescent years. But what we have now is a creature, that I am sure was used as an extra in the movie The Exorcist.

I should have known something was up as I watched for weeks before this time, Remi making friends with my daughters vast collection of stuffed animals. I thought it was cute that he have one of her webkinz in the floor batting it around. He actually took a liking to them when he was a kitten. Think of it as a dog with a chew toy. But Remi was no longer a kitten, and this was not batting around he was doing anymore. He was about to get down and dirty with the stuffies.

It all started as I noticed him one night "choosing" his date for the evening. Remi first stood at the foot of my daughter's dresser and looked over the 20-something stuffed goodies in front of him. He then jumped up and began slinking from one end of the dresser to the other while examining and sniffing each one. Finally choosing his date for the night (this time a grey squirrel, eeeewwwww), he hopped down clutching the squirrel by the back of the neck, and off he went to the living room. At the time, I laughed, thinking nothing of the fact that my cat had turned into a desperate Cassanova before my eyes. After putting the girls to bed, I walked into the living room only to notice Remi on the floor with that damn webkinz. He had that thing by the neck, making that low growl, and kicking it with his hind legs. Did I really have to see my cat's wanger? Gross!

OH - MY - GOD!!!! My cat was boinking a stuffed animal. My daughter's stuffed animal. I had to get my husband; he had to see this to believe it.

Kurt: "What is he doing?"

"Honey, he's boinking the stuffed animal"

"He's What! Is he, is he.....?"

"Yes Kurt, he is having sex with Toni's stuffed webkinz."

"Oh, that is so disgusting. Stop him from doing that; get that away from him."

"Let him be Kurt, just let him be. I'm just glad he's not howling right now."

The next morning I awoke to Remi curled up in the same place on the floor, with his front paw wrapped over the same squirrel webkinz. I cannot believe my cat had sex with a kids toy and then slept with it all night. What next, I'm gonna catch him smoking a Marlboro after his tryst, while cuddled up with the thing! I have a sick cat! I'm just waiting for the day that the doorbell rings from UPS and I find that Remi has ordered a blow up female cat doll!

This is the cat that usually prefers the comfort of being curled up on my desk, or on our laps while watching TV. Occasionally he ventured out in our fenced backyard when the kids are out playing in order to catch of game of ball with them. But two weeks ago he started this hideous howling at the back door. It goes on for about two hours until my husband had had enough and let him out. He didn't come home until 11 pm that night, and we were sure he's

(A) been hit by a car,

(B) taken in my some lonely old lady looking for a cute little friend, or

(C) animal control snagged him for not having a collar with tags.

May I say in defense that the little buggar has gone through 6 sets of collars and tags, only to chew the Made-in-China pieces of crap off. We're ready to duct tape the next one on!

Of course, I was in tears and putting up ads all over Craigslist and local lost and founds services in the area. I was also feverishly building a dog house to put my husband in that night. Well, Remi came home and we vowed not to let him out until he was "fixed".

Four days later....... Remi's efforts to frantically get outside and bang every female cat before we head him off to the vet, have reached new heights. He has clawed practically all the paint off the bottom of the door and door frame making his point of I WANT OUT MEoooWW-NOOOOOW!!! Somewhere in the deep, dark, depths of my sweet little Remi was a male feline prostitute screaming to get out. And he was destroying the house in the process; scratching this - spraying that.

His bouncing from one piece of furniture to another has been like a scene out of Cirque de Soleil. One of us sails through the air to catch a falling vase, while Remi leaps from that disaster onto another shelf, ready to topple books that somebody else is in the process of catching before they hit the ground. And can we talk about that smell when he sprays. What the hell is that smell all about? I'm sorry, I'm female and there is no way I would be going out with any guy that smelled like that. Territory or not, that smell has got to go!

So I sent my husband out for every cat spray cleaner-off-the furniture stuff he could find. I STILL can't get that smell out of the furniture. These stupid products lie! They don't work; oh maybe for about 24 hours, but then that smell is back. And you're going for the Lysol, the Febreze, the anything just to get rid of that smell. And then I turn and see Remi staring up at me like I'm crazy. "You're driving us all nuts Remi!"


I am back on Craigslist again: "Pleeeeaaaasssee help me find a vet. I just moved here and I don't know who's good and who isn't. Please help me find a doctor to castrate my cat now!"

My husband is yelling in the background as I'm typing away - "Why didn't we get a female - why did you have to get a damn male who wants to roam and screw everything. Didn't you know what you were doing?"

"Honey (I yell back over Remi's howling), remember when I wanted to breed Himalayan's? Remember Zuni when she went into heat and howled like a crazy hyena on the Serengeti for two weeks? Remember what you said then? You said you never wanted another female cat as pet.... ever. Remember that honey? Remember now why we didn't breed Himalayans?"

Dead freaking silence.

I'm frantically typing for help in the unknown Craigslist pet zone. Who out there could, or would, help in my time of desperation. Remi was keeping us up at nights howling and prowling through everything. The kids were losing sleep, and I was losing my ability to be patient and nurture this beast in my house. Who is gonna help SHUT THIS CAT UP!! The post is up on Craigslist and within minutes my email account is beeping like crazy from all the responses. I hear angels, I see auras, I see a light (and a snip, snip, snip), at the end of this tunnel.

See, even thought Remi is driving us all into an insane asylum, he's still our baby. And I don't want just anybody snipping his nuts off. Nooooo, I want to pay through the nose for it because he's my baby boy. I want the best, most gentle, kind and understand vet in my immediate area who will understand why I have bags the size of grocery carts under my eyes. Who will understand that I am about to kill my cat if they don't fix him NOW. Who will understand that I'm about to say the dreaded word a-d-o-p-t-i-o-n (I have to spell it out because Remi might hear me type it), in front of my cat!

I am happy because I have found a vet, and my dear baby's crown jewels are gonna be history come Wednesday morning. Till then, I have bought cotton balls so that the howling is not so intense. I also have my squirt bottle of water in case he gets too rowdy with the furniture. I'm raising a kitty, not an acrobat. Till then he is also banished into the laundry room where his spraying will be contained and easy to clean than if it were on the furniture; or God forbid, on another webkinz.

Speaking of webkinz's - there ALL taking a hot bath in the washing machine for the next few days.

Until then, will someone please tell Remi to SHUT UP!!?

1 comment:

Gondooo said...

Oh dear, poor poor Remi. My cat doesn't seem to have reached this stage for some odd reason. Perhaps he was born without his gonads! Of course, he banged his head so many times as a kitten...and was sat on a few times too many (oops, did I say that?) he is probably severly brain damaged. Plainly put, he is a stupid cat. My cat is so stupid, he scratches outside of his litter box after doing his business. Anyhow, he is definitely not the 'frisky' kind, he has never scratched up the furniture and rarely, and I mean rarely ever takes a spazzy. He just kinda, well, hangs out, eats, s***s and sleeps. Thats it.
I hope Remi enjoys his little cuddly in the few remaining days he has left. LOL